


I'm your reality check

by MutteringWhispers



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: A very happy ending ;), Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Feelings Realization, Good Leader Bang Chan, M/M, Making Out, Minho being a great friend, Misunderstandings, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rating May Change, Sexual Tension, Slight Internalized Homophobia, Swearing, This is just pure self-indulgence, Time Skips, Underage Drinking, Very Mild Violence, Worried Stray Kids Ensemble, depictions of anxiety attacks, kind of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:27:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 26,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28514937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MutteringWhispers/pseuds/MutteringWhispers
Summary: Jisung had read once in a book about classical Greek mythology that Fate was the most insistent bitch in the universe. If something was bound to happen, it would make it happen (it’s fate, duh). No matter the obstacles along the way, no matter how many times one missed the so-called ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ opportunities, no matter how hard you fought against it; Fate would always make it work, even if that meant trapping you in a seemingly never-ending cycle of stupid mistakes, poor decision-making and typical angst-fueled misunderstandings until it succeeded.“People like you always end up getting a reality check, something that will make you tumble down from the pedestal you’ve put yourself on. And I fucking promise you, I will be there to see it.”Jisung scoffed bitterly at the memory; not only had Hyunjin spoke it into existence and been there to see it, he had been the one causing the so-called reality check in the first place.A.K.A an enemies-to-lovers fic set on canon-verse and focused on Jisung’s and Hyunjin’s relationship development from their pre-debut years to the present (2020).
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin
Comments: 58
Kudos: 144





	1. Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, and welcome to the most self-indulgent fic in this realm of reality!
> 
> As the majority of people that ships Hyunsung, I got inspired by their infamous Two Kids Room episode in which they talked about how rowdy their relationship was before debuting. Alas, here I am, writing my take on it.
> 
> Obviously, this is all fiction and none of the events narrated in this story are real at all. This is just my imagination running wild!
> 
> A few warnings before you guys get to it:  
> 
> 
> -You may spot some unknown OC characters along the story. Please, pay them no mind, they're only there to fulill certain roles for the story development.  
> 
> 
> -I've taken free liberty regarding the timings of the events in this story. I'm relatively new to the Stray Kids fandom and I kind of played around with their pre-debut period/ages, so please don't come at me if it's not accurate. Some parts of the story are purposefully ambiguous time-wise.  
> 
> 
> -There are mentions of underage drinking and anxiety attacks ahead so please keep that in mind if it's something that bothers you!
> 
> Enjoy the reading :)

Jisung could feel strong but delicate hands gliding against his sides in swift upstrokes, a barely-there touch that made him sag back against the broad chest behind him and whimper at the back of his throat. The hands felt cold against his heated skin, having sneaked under his flimsy tank-top at some point without him realizing, and it just added up to the slight trembles coursing through his frame.

When plump lips brushed against the side of his neck, he rolled his head back, resting it on a firm shoulder, making space for those wonderful lips to keep on tracing wet patterns on his sensitive skin. It felt good, great, but not nearly enough, another whimper lodging in his throat.

As if sensing his restlessness, the person behind him shifted forward, pressing his long and lithe body closer to him, making his skin heat up even higher. “Jisungie, do you want more?”

The words were whispered directly against his ear, plump lips caressing the outer shell, eliciting another whimper from Jisung. “Y-yes, yes please.”

“Mmh, so eager…” The voice was low but kind of high-pitched in a way that made Jisung’s insides tingle, his mind registering that peculiar tone as familiar somewhere under the thick layer of arousal and desperation clouding all of his senses. It made his hair stand on end.

“What do you want, Sungie?” One of the hands suddenly strayed away from his flank, circling Jisung’s waist and moving towards his front, caressing his toned torso and drawing barely-there circles on his navel.

Jisung felt dizzy, his head and senses bottled up in a way that prevented him from forming coherent sentences. He wanted a lot of things, too many for his poor fried brain to process in his current state. In the end, he whispered a trembling, “Y-you”.

The person behind him hummed appreciatively, the hand resting against his waist sneaking out from under his tank-top and moving upwards to cradle Jisung’s jaw in a soft grip. “Then open your eyes, Jisung. I’m right here.”

Something deep in his gut twisted uncomfortably at the idea of opening his eyes, not even the slight caresses on his navel, too close to where Jisung hurt the most, were enough to distract him from the feeling. “C’mon Jisung, look at me.”

The voice was demanding now, hot exhales grazing his ear and the grip on his chin tightening slightly, prompting him to do as told. Jisung hesitated but, after two, three more seconds, he opened his eyes and immediately felt his breath hitching, catching on his throat painfully.

He recognized the room as soon as he opened his eyes, tall mirrors covering the wall in front of him all the way up to the ceiling: their dance studio. They were very close to them, and there was no way for Jisung to miss his own reflection, to escape the image in front of him. Strong arms circled his torso from behind, the hand under his tank-top still drawing patterns on his navel non-stop while the other was keeping his head in place, forcing him to take it all in.

The uncomfortable feeling in his gut got ten times worse when his eyes caught sight of blond, long locks brushing against his cheek. The feeling was strong enough for him to try and close his eyes once again, but the strong hand gripping his chin tightened up, startling him. “No. Look up, Jisung. C’mon.”

Jisung shuddered, mind reeling in discomfort. He didn’t want to drag his eyes up but, in the end, he gave up, feeling like the air had been punched out of him the moment he took in the whole image. Strong jaw, slanted and half-hooded eyes with a mole underneath, narrow nose, unbelievably soft-looking and plump lips. Hyunjin. Hwang Hyunjin.

“Do you like what you see?” The boy whispered against his ear, a smirk curling his lips.

At those words, Jisung’s brain finally found a term to describe the uncomfortable feeling wrenching his gut: _guilt._

Jisung woke up with a stark, breath labored and heart beating at a maddening pace against his ribs. He was sweaty, he could feel the T-shirt he had slept in sticking to his back uncomfortably and the normally too-thin sheets suffocating against his shins. It had happened again, and the thought alone was enough to amplify to an unbearable level the by-now familiar guiltiness clenching at his gut. _Please, please not again._

With unstable legs, Jisung got out of bed in a hurry, body navigating the darkness of his room with an easiness that could only be achieved after countless nights of having to crawl into his bed without waking up his roommate at ungodly hours. Passing the hallway, a quick glance at the digital clock confirmed to him that it was 4 a.m.

His eyes took some time to get used to the blinding lights of the bathroom, but he made quick work of the lock, effectively closing the door against his back and taking a deep, shaky breath. He waited for two, three heartbeats amidst the deafening silence of the room and only after making sure that no one had heard him and followed him somehow, he allowed himself to break down.

Letting his back slide down the cold surface of the door, he felt hot, salty tears tracing down his cheeks. Jisung was familiar with the pressure building in his chest, always present in some way or another when he was feeling particularly stressed out by a situation. Sometimes it happened in airports or fan-meetings, sometimes in circumstances where he was put on the spotlight when he was not in the right mindset, and, other times, he would already wake up with that oppressing feeling well-lodged in between his ribs. But the pressure always felt somehow different when it was caused because of _this_. More vicious, more intense, swallowing up all rational thinking.

His breaths stuttered out of his lips in short staccatos, worsening the dizziness already clouding his head and Jisung braced himself for what felt like a full blown-out anxiety attack. He wanted to lie to himself and think that it had been a long time since he had suffered one, but reality was that no more than 4 nights ago Jisung had found himself in that exact same position: back against the bathroom door, hunched on in himself and shaking with guiltiness after having had another dream about Hyunjin.

God. Only thinking about his name was enough to make him double over, arms wrapping around his own middle in a desperate attempt to stop the guiltiness from spreading any further to every single cell in his body. The feeling was all-consuming but Jisung forced himself to feel it all, take it all in. As punishment. As a lesson.

It hurt as bad as it did all those years ago, when it all had started, but it wasn’t any easier to deal with.

++

** 16 **

Jisung remembered the first time as clear as glass. It was November and some trainees had gathered for a dinner together since they had just survived another monthly showcase evaluation, the anxiousness and nerves still vividly burning inside their veins. Hyunjin was sitting next to him swallowed up by his long puffy coat, hands shivering from the cold autumn wind.

Jisung observed his profile from the corner of his eye, he knew that this had been one of the first evaluations for the guy but, despite of that, he had undoubtedly gathered lots of attention once again. He could kind of see why; he definitely had the looks and dancing skills for it. Jisung liked to think that, after being testimony of so many trainees coming and going, he had become quite good at perceiving talent and, well, Hyunjin did have talent, although still in its early stages.

“I swear my hands have stopped working,” Hyunjin’s voice startled Jisung out of his reverie, effectively making him divert his gaze to the bowl of ramen in front of him. “Whose brilliant idea was it to come to this place, again?”

“Dude, it’s cheap and close to the dorms. Not our fault you decided to order cold noodles in November,” Suyeon, one of the oldest trainees at the time piped up from the end of the table.

Hyunjin rolled his eyes and murmured under his breath something akin to, “as if it would make much of a difference when it’s literally minus 15 degrees outside.” Jisung hid his smile with a mouthful of ramen.

He liked the guy; he was loud, easy-going when in a good mood and accepted crap from no one without a valid reason. And passionate, very, very passionate, which Jisung appreciated very much. They had gotten along quite well since Hyunjin first made it into JYP’s trainee body, and although he looked a bit intimidating at first glance, the boy was endearingly socially awkward most of the time. And, well, Jisung could definitely relate. Hence, as one of the trainee veterans of JYP, he had made it his duty to take Hyunjin under his wing.

“There you go,” Jisung said in a low voice. Taking advantage of the rest of trainees being distracted by a discussion on who was the hottest member of TWICE, Jisung shoved his rattled pair of gloves to the shivering boy next to him.

“Huh, really? Aren’t you cold?” Hyunjin’s eyes widened at the gesture, making Jisung avert his gaze once again.

“I can at least grab my chopsticks.”

Hyunjin scoffed at his words but ended up putting on the gloves nonetheless as fast as his numb fingers allowed him to. “My parents are going on a business trip next week and I’ll have the house for myself. I’ve invited some of the guys on Sunday so, if you want to, feel free to join.”

Jisung lightened up at the idea. The majority of trainees came from outside of Seoul so it was very rare to have an opportunity like this to hang out outside of the crowded space of their tiny dorms. On top of that, he couldn’t remember the last time he had done something else apart from working on lyrics, producing tracks for showcase evaluations and practicing his rapping.

Nevertheless, he took another mouthful of ramen before answering Hyunjin, just for the sake of it. “Sounds good,” he finally replied after swallowing slowly. “Count me in.”

Hyunjin smiled brightly at him, eyes creasing and full lips parting to reveal a set of perfectly straight, pearly teeth. Looking back, Jisung would come to regard that exact moment as the first sign of trouble, his gut wrenching uncomfortably in a way that reminded him too much of butterflies at being in the receiving end of that blinding smile.

Hyunjin’s house had a modern, neat and clean feeling to it, neutral colors consistently present in all rooms. It smelled nice too, an almost imperceptible but familiar sweet and somehow musky scent pervading the air. _Exactly like Hyunjin’s clothes_ , Jisung’s brain observed stupidly.

The sofa occupying the far end of the living room wasn’t spacious enough for the 5 of them to fit in, forcing Jisung and Hyunjin himself to take a seat on the floor, backs resting against it. They had been playing videogames for most of the afternoon after ordering the greasiest pizza their wallets could afford, when Park Jihoo, a guy Jisung wasn’t really acquainted with, pulled two bottles of soju out of his backpack.

“What is that?” A very young Yang Jeongin asked from his curled position against the armrest.

“Fun,” the guy simply said. “Hyunjinnie, where do your parents keep the shot glasses?” Jisung looked at Hyunjin's astonished expression, his eyes still glued to the two green bottles on the table. The room fell silent for a moment, everyone waiting to see the boy’s reaction.

Jisung could not say that he was surprised by the turn of events. In the end, he had found himself in similar situations quite often throughout his time as a JYP trainee; one could say it was both a gift and a curse of being treated as an equal by most of the oldest trainees in the company despite his age. He had been around long enough to earn the respect of almost all of them, and that frequently translated to him being invited to outings that would always end up revolving around alcohol at some point or another. Hyunjin, however…

The guy didn’t really strike Jisung as the type that would engage in that kind of behavior.

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” Kim Seungmin finally said out loud, breaking the silence. He was talking to Jihoo but trying to make eye-contact with Hyunjin instead, unsuccessfully.

Jisung knew that Hyunjin and Seungmin had become very close in a very short period of time, had seen them hanging out together almost every day at the dorms. He knew that, more frequently than not, the duo would be seen attached at the hip and doing everything together, always backing each other up. So, Jisung was naturally surprised when the taller murmured a quiet, “in the second cupboard on the left”.

Seungmin’s expression soured immediately.

Jisung did not know exactly how to feel about the whole situation in itself. In general, he was quite desensitized when it came to alcohol per se, although he hadn’t really drunk much of it himself besides a gulp or two for Changbin’s last birthday party. Nevertheless, the situation didn’t feel right at that moment.

After a couple of seconds, Jisung decided to step in and elbow Hyunjin still sitting next to him, smiling at the boy in a way that he hoped seemed reassuring. Without averting his gaze, Jisung finally spoke up and addressed Jihoo. “Trying to scare away the newbies already, hyung? There’s no way I’m going to let our tiny little Jeongin drink that.”

He heard the latter complain about his choice of words but paid it no mind, eyes trained to Hyunjin who was now looking back at him as well. “Quite the contrary! I’m just trying to make it easier for them to fit in, Jisungie, you should know better than anyone,” Jihoo shot back from the kitchen.

“I don’t think any of us asked for that, hyung,” Seungmin’s voice was guarded, eyes reticently observing the five shot glasses being placed on the table by the oldest. “And yeah, Jeongin is not drinking that.”

“Okay, okay, don’t get your pants in a twist, Kim,” Jihoo replied nonchalantly, moving one of the glasses in front of Hyunjin instead. “Hyunjinnie here will drink it for him.”

“Two glasses?” Hyunjin asked, finally looking away from Jisung.

“Yeah, two glasses. Take it as a congratulatory gift for how well you did on Monday during the showcase evaluation,” Jihoo smiled sweetly at the younger and plopped down on the floor next to Jisung, handing out one of the glasses to Seungmin. “Let's toast to attract luck and end up making our debut once and for all!”

And toast they did. The liquid burnt Jisung’s throat on its way down his stomach and the flavor was definitely not pleasant at all, but he chugged it down nonetheless. He found his eyes attracted back to Hyunjin once again, eyes looking at his Adam’s apple bob as the taller boy forced himself to finish his second shot.

After that, it didn’t take much more persuasion from Jihoo to convince them to have another shot and, before any of them realized, the two bottles were emptied. Objectively speaking, it wasn’t even that much alcohol considering that the bottles barely contained 33cl each, but the amount was enough to make Jisung feel warm and what he guessed could be labeled as ‘tipsy’.

And as stupid teenagers in stupid Hollywood movies, they ended up playing truth or dare on a whim. Jisung was having fun, laughing freely for the first time in very long, and he was definitely too distracted by Jeongin's interpretation of Gagnam Style in trot style to notice the way Jihoo was looking at him and Hyunjin. At some point, the taller boy had leaned against Jisung’s side, head resting on the rapper’s shoulder, and he hadn’t moved from that position ever since. It didn’t bother Jisung in the slightest, it actually made him feel even warmer in a pleasant way. But that contentment was short-lived.

“I dare you to kiss Jisung,” said Jihoo when it was Hyunjin’s turn to make a fool of himself.

It took Jisung a heartbeat to process Jihoo’s words before he spluttered out loud. “What the fuck, hyung? Why would you even dare him to do that?”

The older boy shrugged, a look on his face that made Jisung feel uneasy. “Why not? I’m asking him to kiss you, not marry you. Besides, it’s Hyunjin’s dare so he’s the one that has to decide whether he chickens out or not.”

The boy in question had frozen in place, head still resting on Jisung’s shoulder, and the rapper was suddenly uncomfortable with his proximity. “You couldn't have chosen a more clichéd challenge even if you tried, hyung. Pretty pathetic in my opinion,” he found himself saying defensively. Somehow, the taller boy’s silence was making it all worse; why wasn’t he complaining and refusing straight away? Hyunjin was usually very vocal when he didn’t want/like something.

“Oh, relax Jisung, it’s just a damn kiss, I’m not asking you guys to make out. Well, unless… you actually want to–” Jisung silently thanked Seungmin when the other threw a pillow at Jihoo, effectively shutting him up.

That seemed to startle Hyunjin out from whatever reverie his mind was caught up in, making the boy finally move away from Jisung’s shoulder and giving the rapper some much-needed space to breathe. “And well Hyunjinnie, do you accept the challenge or are you going to chicken out like a loser? Remember that the penalty is having Jeongin call Chan to explain him that you have forced him to drink against his will.”

Jisung gulped at the older’s words. It was not true, Jeongin hadn’t had a single drop of alcohol that night, but it still was a heck of a penalty, to say the least. Bang Chan was usually a pretty chill guy, hyper-focused on training and producing, but very nice overall. They both had become very close after starting their sub-unit project with Changbin called 3RACHA, but that didn’t mean that Jisung was up to provoking his friend’s ire. He had seen Chan mad before and he didn’t want Hyunjin to experience it first-hand. It was down-right terrifying.

Checking out Hyunjin’s expression, he soon realized that the boy was at a loss of words and didn’t know what to do. And, well, if Jisung was kind of bold in a good day, imagine how bold he could get after having 4 shots of soju.

Getting up on his knees, he turned his body to the right in order to face Hyunjin, making eye-contact with the other. “C’mon, let’s get this done with. I want to play another round of Mario Kart.”

Hyunjin seemed surprised at Jisung being willing to do it and he could see Seugmin’s and Jeongin’s shocked expressions from the corner of his eye as well. Not only was he okay with having Hyunjin kissing him, but he was the one initiating the whole ordeal.

“Umm, are you sure? Chan-hyung doesn’t seem that bad, I’m sure it will be okay,” Hyunjin said, still looking taken aback by Jisung’s willingness after his initial outburst.

Jihoo laughed at Hyunjin’s words and Seungmin and Jeongin cringed slightly; they had all been in the company longer than the boy and knew how incorrect that statement could turn out to be. “Oh, believe me, you don’t want to see hyung mad,” Jisung shrugged. And, just because he felt like he needed to specify why he was willing to be kissed, he added a, “I don’t want to get caught up in this mess, hyung will know I was here too and be mad at me as well.”

Hyunjin finally seemed to make up his mind and nodded minutely at Jisung, getting on his knees as well. The boy was slightly taller than the rapper, towering a couple of centimeters over him, but if that caused a strange tingling sensation to spread out in his stomach, Jisung did his best to ignore it.

“1 minute!” Jihoo suddenly piped up.

“You said just a kiss,” Hyunjin complained, hands clenched in fists on his lap.

“Yeah hyung, we don’t want to traumatize pure Jeongin over there,” Jisung added, ignoring, once again, the youngest’s complains at his choice of words.

“Okay, okay… You guys are no fun,” Jihoo said, putting his hands up defensively at Hyunjin’s glare. “30 seconds then, I said a kiss not a peck. Also, we need to set some time limitation in case you guys have too much fun!”

Jisung rolled his eyes at the older’s words but paid him no mind, looking back at Hyunjin. “Okay, 30 seconds then. No big deal.” He felt proud of himself when his voice came out way more stable than he felt internally.

The rapper startled slightly when Hyunjin grabbed his left shoulder all of a sudden, leaning in just a little bit. “Okay… I’m doing it,” the guy murmured, low enough that Jisung was sure he was the only one that heard it. He didn’t know if Hyunjin was warning him beforehand or if he was trying to hype himself up but, nevertheless, Jisung found the gesture annoyingly endearing. _What the fuck?_

He didn't have time to worry about his strange feelings any further when Hyunjin finally bowed down and connected their lips.

Jisung would like to say that he was unaffected by it all: that he didn’t feel the tingly, warm sensation in his belly flare up the moment their lips touched; that he wasn’t surprised at the pleasant feeling of Hyunjin’s plump lips brushing against his thinner ones; that he didn’t copy Hyunjin’s movements and tilted his head to the right in order to slot his lips against the other’s more comfortably. Jisung wished he didn’t notice the sweet but slightly musky scent he had originally perceived when stepping into the house intensifying with how close they were now. And above anything else, Jisung really, _really_ wished he could erase the feeling of disappointment rising in his gut when the 30 seconds were up.

When Hyunjin moved away, Jisung’s eyes immediately zeroed in on his lips, now red and shiny in a way that made it nearly impossible for him to avert his gaze. It wasn’t until he heard Jihoo hollering and Jeongin’s exaggerated fake-gagging in the background that Jisung finally snapped out of it, making eye-contact with a very flushed and confused-looking Hyunjin. He immediately looked away, flustered himself, only to end up making eye-contact with Seungmin instead. The look on the singer’s face made him feel as if the other could read all the thoughts going through Jisung’s mind and hear the fast-paced thumping of his heart loud and clear.

With a speed that gave him whiplash, the tingly and warm feeling in his belly quickly turned into a mush of knots that made him want to throw up all his insides, pizza and soju included.

In retrospect, going through that stupid dare and willingly having Hyunjin kiss him had definitely been one of the stupidest mistakes he committed when it came down to the other boy; it was probably the one that kick-started a series of events that would ultimately end up evolving into a huge mess.

Jisung could not stop thinking about the kiss afterwards and it made things go awkward very quickly between them. He knew now that Hyunjin was not at fault for his full blown-out identity crisis back then, but 16-year-old Jisung took all of his frustrations and insecurities on him.

Hyunjin didn’t even try to approach him when the rapper halted all interaction with him, didn’t question why Jisung had suddenly stopped being nice around him and had become completely indifferent towards him instead. In the beginning, Jisung could feel questioning looks from the other trainees at the abrupt change in their relationship, Chan going as far as trying to interrogate him about the whole situation even. But, in the end, people just accepted it and moved on. Eventually, it became a well-known fact among trainees that Han Jisung and Hwang Hyunjin simply didn’t get along.

No one knew the reason why. When asked about it, Jisung would say that the other was full of himself and had made it into JYP because of his looks only, which was unfair; Hyunjin, on the other hand, would say the rapper was down-right obnoxious and annoying on a good day. And those who had the knowledge to connect the dots that would explain their sudden animosity, never said anything about it: Park Jihoo didn’t pass the following showcase evaluation and enrolled into the military instead, and Kim Seungmin and Yang Jeongin remained stubbornly tight-lipped about the whole ordeal afterwards.

So, just like that, Hyunjin and Jisung stopped being friends.

++

_Knock, knock, knock._

“Hey, anyone in there?” Chan’s tired voice startled Jisung out of his troubled thoughts, making him hurriedly stand up and dry his tear-streaked cheeks with a hand towel. The leader’s fucked-up sleeping schedule had completely flown over his head and Jisung cursed internally at himself.

When he saw his own reflection in the mirror, red, puffy eyes looking back at him, he knew damn well that he wasn’t getting away with it this time. With a resigned sigh, he murmured a, “yeah hyung, give me a minute.” The rapper cringed when his voice came out scratchy and hoarse.

When he finally unlocked the door, Chan’s face was already a mixture of anxiousness and worry, having recognized the younger’s despair in his tone. “Oh, Jisungie, what happened?” He said with an urgency in his voice that Jisung hadn’t heard directed at him in a very long time, at least not since he had suffered a disastrous anxiety attack all those months ago during a fan-meeting.

Just at hearing the older’s worry, seeing those caring, tired eyes looking into his in search of answers he didn’t have, Jisung broke down again, sobbing _hard_ against Chan’s firm chest when he hurried forward to hug him. He could feel pure worry filtering through Chan’s shaky hands stroking down his back, attempting to make him feel better. Jisung knew that he was scaring the shit out of their leader, since he had never truly broken down like this in front of any of the members besides Minho years ago, but he couldn’t find it in himself to stop the tears.

After what felt like hours in Jisung’s head, the sobs, tears and tremors coursing through his body finally calmed down, leaving only ugly hiccups and swollen eyes as proof of his mental break-down. However, Jisung still didn’t feel ready to face Chan so, the moment the older pushed him back softly to look at his face, he avoided all eye-contact with him.

He heard the leader sigh. “Come with me to bed, let’s cuddle,” Chan said with a resigned voice instead. The rapper knew that he wanted to ask what had made him so altered to provoke such a reaction in him, but he was eternally grateful of the leader’s deep knowledge of each members’ in-and-outs and of his capability of sensing when he wasn’t going to get anywhere with his prodding. Jisung knew that that didn’t mean he was safe from an interrogation that would definitely come sooner than later, but he was happy to escape from it even if it was just for a short while.

Chan grabbed his wrist in a gentle grip and moved silently through the dark hallway. Like Jisung, he was more than experienced in making his way through the dorms without switching on the lights and risking waking up the others. The rapper was extremely relieved when the leader guided him to his shared room with Changbin instead of his own, opening the door silently and stepping around Jisung’s and Changbin’s mess scattered on the floor.

When he finally allowed himself to sink into the other’s embrace, back against the leader’s strong chest and face hidden from any potential onlookers by facing the wall, Jisung felt the pressure in his chest finally giving up, enough for him to breathe normally again. Chan wrapped his left arm firmly around Jisung’s middle and the younger finally closed his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weeeeeeell there it is... How was it??? I would appreciate all kinds of constructive feedback; it always keeps me motivated :)
> 
> I've already written the layout for the next chapter and I'll post in a few days, so see you guys soon!!
> 
> Take care!!!


	2. Like salt in a wound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there everyone, 
> 
> Here you have the second chapter, this one is longer so I hope you enjoy it as well :)
> 
> Make sure to check the tags before reading! Please keep in mind that most of them apply to this chapter!
> 
> As always, everything narrated in this story is fictional~

Jisung could feel Changbin’s eyes boring holes into the side of his face but he tried his best to ignore him, forcing himself to swallow up the lump of cold, mushy cereal in his mouth. The older rapper had quickly realized that there was something wrong going on as soon as he woke up to Chan in their shared room cuddling Jisung in bed.

It wasn’t weird for the members to cuddle with each other at all, especially in a group consisting of a majority of very touchy people by nature, but it _was_ very rare for the members to choose Chan specifically as a cuddle partner. The leader would usually stay back at their studio until the wee hours of the night and only go back when all of them were already asleep, which made it statistically very difficult for him to cuddle with anyone to begin with. On top of that, all the members knew that Chan had a lot on his plate already, so, when any of them felt nostalgic, sad, frustrated or lonely they would look for other companions for the night that didn’t include the oldest; no one wanted to worry him any further with insignificant stuff or make him lose any more sleep than he already did on a regular basis.

Hence, as soon as Changbin had seen them together, the rapper had caught on to the situation, knowing very well that something serious must had happened for Jisung to involve Chan. “Now it’s not the time, we have dance practice in 30 minutes,” Chan had replied when Changbin tried to pry about it. Jisung felt guilty for making another one of his hyungs worry about him but, then again, relief washed over him at escaping further prodding from his friends.

Finishing his breakfast, the younger walked towards the bathroom as fast as he could the moment he saw that it was empty, needing a minute to recompose himself after last night. Even though, unfortunately, it hadn’t been the first time at all for Jisung to have that kind of dreams involving Hyunjin, last night had been one of the most intense ones and it had definitely taken a toll on him. He liked to think that he had become quite good at masking his worries and anxious state from the others every time it happened, but he clearly had not been successful this time with Chan and Changbin. Jisung needed to be more careful if he didn’t want to raise any more suspicions. 

In an attempt to clear up his mind, Jisung splashed cold water to his face, patting his cheeks vigorously a couple of times to wake himself up. Honestly, he looked as horrible as he felt, dark circles more prominent than usual –which was already a lot, mind you– and skin looking too pale in a definitely non-healthy way. He sighed out loud.

At least they had no public appearances for the day.

“Morning…” Jisung startled, whipping around at the familiar groggy voice.

He had no time to react before a pair of flailing arms hugged him tightly from behind, a blonde head resting on his nape with a soft thump. It physically pained Jisung when he turned back around and saw their reflection in the mirror, the image in front of him too similar to the one in his last-night dream to be a coincidence. _The universe must hate me a lot._

“I said ‘morning’,” Hyunjin complained, voice whiny in a special way that he usually reserved for particularly grueling practices.

“Good morning, Jinnie.”

Jisung observed Hyunjin’s reflection move his head away from his nape, resting his chin on top of the rapper’s shoulder instead in order to look at Jisung through the mirror. The cute pout on his lips made Jisung’s breath hitch. It was too early for this.

The dancer didn’t say anything at first, eyes scanning Jisung’s reflection in the mirror with such an intensity that made the rapper fidget. However, after what felt like years to Jisung, Hyunjin disentangled his right hand from the former’s middle and moved it under his right eye, tracing the discolored skin underneath with his fingers.

“You don’t look good,” he murmured, chin digging on Jisung’s shoulder painfully.

“Thanks, I guess. I can’t begin my day without someone telling me just that,” Jisung tried hard to make himself sound stable, normal, like he would usually do in a regular day.

Hyunjin frowned. “No, for real, these don’t look good,” he insisted, moving his fingers to rest on top of the purplish-looking skin underneath his other eye. “Did you stay up watching stupid videos on Youtube again?”

“Maybe… As if you don’t do that on a daily basis as well,” Jisung retaliated, attempting to push Hyunjin’s hand away from his face but, all of a sudden, the other grabbed his wrist instead and turned him around to face him.

Not going lie, Jisung panicked at their sudden up-front proximity. “What are y–?”

“Chan-hyung didn’t sleep in our room yesterday.” Hyunjin’s eyes were searching, immediately boring into the rapper’s with an intensity that contrasted with his initial grogginess, which the brunette increasingly suspected that had all been an act to begin with. 

Jisung’s stomach dropped at his words. Why were his members so observant all of a sudden?

“And…? You say that as if it were something weird.”

“Felix saw him come out of your shared room with Changbin-hyung earlier this morning,” Hyunjin countered, fast.

And, well, Jisung realized –a tad too late, probably– that he had fallen for the dancer’s trap head-first: first of all, the rapper had noticed Hyunjin stalling in the kitchen after finishing his breakfast, when, in normal circumstances, Hyunjin was always one of the first ones to claim the big bathroom to follow his extensive skin-care morning routine in peace; secondly, yes, Hyunjin was down-right clingy most of the time but he was definitely more of a skittish cat in the mornings. He suffered from the very common ‘I’m-going-to-punch-you-in-the-face-if-you-dare-say-hi-to-me’ morning syndrome; and, lastly but definitely no less important, Jisung had just noticed that the bathroom door was locked all of a sudden. The dancer had locked it without him even realizing in the first place. _Well, shit._

“At first I thought it was Changbin-hyung,” Hyunjin started, eyes still focused on Jisung’s face intensely. “He’s been kind of restless these days with the whole Show Me the Money thingy and all… But, well, you’ve been out of it too, Sungie, I’m actually worried.”

The rapper blinked. Why was all crashing down on him at the same time? He had virtually had no time to prepare himself mentally to face Chan and come up with a good excuse, lest of all to be confronted by the main source of his worries. He really, really didn’t know how to go about the situation; he felt like a cornered animal in front of his prey.

After a couple of more seconds in silence, Hyunjin finally stepped back, giving Jisung some space to try and think a way out of the situation. His eyes automatically moved towards the door, mentally calculating how long it would take him to unlock the door and make a run for it and–

“That’s exactly what I mean.”

Hyunjin’s tone of voice made Jisung focus back on the taller boy, who was now regarding him with a guarded expression on his face. Biting the inside of his cheek, Jisung took a calming breath to try and steady his thoughts. He was fucking up, being too obvious about the whole ordeal and his recklessness was going to turn around and bite him hard if he didn’t fix it. Not only had Chan been witness of his mental breakdown, now Changbin and, worst of all, Hyunjin were suspicious too.

“You’ve become so quiet lately… And well, most of the time, you look like _this_ …”

“Like what?” He couldn’t help himself but ask.

“Like you are going to bolt out of the room at any moment.”

Hyunjin’s expression shifted slightly, becoming more careful, and Jisung knew what he was going to ask before the other even opened his mouth. In the end, ever since his anxiety had gotten the worst of him almost a year ago, all the members had developed the annoying habit of linking his anxiety to every single situation in which Jisung was behaving slightly different than usual. Although he knew that they were only trying to understand him better and give him their support, it rubbed Jisung the wrong way.

“Is it… Is it your anxiety again? Because if it is, I’m sad you’re pushing yourself so much once agai–”

“No. It’s not, stop fretting about it.” Jisung felt his most petulant and defensive side rapidly crawl up on him after what felt like a very long time, probably since the last time he had fought with the same boy in front of him years ago. “Only because I got overwhelmed once doesn’t mean I’m going to break again under the slightest amount of pressure, Hyunjin.”

He could tell the dancer was shocked both at his sudden change of demeanor and at being addressed in such a cold manner by the rapper after so many years. But Hyunjin knew better now and he didn’t take the bait. “Sorry, I know it’s a sore topic, Jisung. It’s just… I’m worried. You seem so distant these days and so quiet too. I know we’re all very tired with all of the end-of-the-year preparations, but I… Maybe I’m being stupid and imagining things, you know how I get, but, you are so fidgety around me lately… And we promised that we would talk about it if we ever made each other uncomfo–”

Suddenly, the sound of someone trying to open the bathroom door startled the both of them, interrupting Hyunjin’s rant. “Hannie? Are you there?” Minho’s voice sounded muffled through the wooden door. “What is taking you so long? I told you eating that extra spicy burrito wasn’t a good idea!”

God bless Minho’s timing.

Without thinking it twice, Jisung dashed towards the bathroom door in two quick strides, unlocking it with trembling fingers. But, before he could swing the door open, Hyunjin grabbed him by the arm again. “Jisung, wait–”

Jisung felt raw like a live wire, desperate to get out of that stuffy bathroom and away from Hyunjin. And, without even realizing his own movements, he turned around and pushed the taller boy away from him, _hard_ , just at the same time as Minho opened the door from outside.

Hyunjin collided against the sink, Minho gasped out loud, and the room fell dead silent.

It took a couple of seconds for Jisung’s stressed out brain to finally process his actions and, before he could even open his mouth to apologize, horrified at himself, Hyunjin had pushed past him in a blur, barreling into Minho’s shoulder in his haste to get out.

A beat. Two.

“What the fuck was that, Han Jisung?” Minho’s elegant features were scrunched up in a deep and confused scowl.

Come to think of it, with the knowledge that there was no way he was escaping Minho after what the older had seen, Jisung wished he would have faced Chan or Changbin first instead. At least it would’ve been way less painful than confronting Minho for sure.

And, with a clarity that only makes its appearance when one has fucked up too badly, Jisung saw the irony of the situation: in the end, it had been Minho, three years ago, who had witnessed the climax of Jisung’s identity crisis due to no other than Hwang Hyunjin himself.

++

** 17 **

His head was pounding and his stomach felt uncomfortably queasy. Jisung closed his eyes and tried to dispel the dizziness in his head but startled when, all of a sudden, someone pulled the glass of alcohol he was holding out of his clenched hands.

“You shouldn’t have drunk anything in the first place.” Chan’s voice felt distant despite of his proximity. The older boy was crouching down in front of Jisung’s spot on the sofa, tucked away in a corner of the noisy room they were currently in. “How many of these have you had, anyways?”

 _Two, three?_ Jisung couldn’t remember, his memories of the night were a mere jumbled mess scattered in his brain.

The older was frowning at him, analyzing his current state with worried eyes. “I shouldn’t have left you alone with them…” Jisung didn’t know if Chan was talking to himself or addressing him, but he had no strength left in his body to reply anyways. “C’mon, let’s sober you up.”

Jisung knew that he was light and had a fairly petite frame, but he was shocked nonetheless when Chan manhandled him into standing up. Carrying most of his weight for him, the older secured his right arm on his waist and moved Jisung’s left arm on top of his shoulders, starting to walk towards the kitchen. The distance was short but maneuvering around dozens of intoxicated bodies dancing in the small room proved to be a real hassle; by the time they made it into the kitchen, Jisung was ready to throw up all of the alcohol poisoning his system.

“Drink this,” Chan ordered him, pushing the rim of a glass filled with water to his chapped lips. The younger shook his head, feeling like he would vomit the moment he opened his lips. “C’mon Jisung, this will make you feel better.”

He wanted to scoff. Jisung doubted it very much, nothing could make him feel any better in that moment. Maybe he was being dramatic but Jung’s elimination had been the cherry on top for him. They had been so close to making it together into the final team, _so close_ …

“I’m sad too, you know? I don’t think any of us expected it,” Chan said, as if reading his thoughts. “I really wanted to choose him for the final line-up but, well… that doesn’t mean I’m going to get shit-faced the first chance I get, Jisung. I never said anything against you getting invited to all of these parties because I knew I could trust you, but this…”

Jisung felt guiltiness clench at his stomach the moment he heard Chan’s disappointed words and he hurried to slur a, “I’m really sorry, hyung. I’m just so sad and–”

“I guess there’s no point in lecturing you now,” the older interrupted him. Sighing, he stroked Jisung’s back in a soothing manner. “We’re all really stressed out with these final assignments ahead of us. It’s all very uncertain and I get it, Hannie, I really do. But we’re going to make it together and that’s what matters in the end.”

Jisung nodded effusively, making Chan smile fondly at him. Although he hadn’t drunk again ever since the incident in Hyunjin’s house almost a year ago, the older was obviously right. Yes, Jisung had been feeling progressively more and more overwhelmed the closer their goal of debut was getting and, if you topped that with the increasingly higher standards and the pressure of seeing people who he once thought would debut with getting eliminated, you got the perfect formula for disaster. Jisung, like usual, had been invited to Jung’s farewell party and he had been hanging out with some of the oldest trainees instead of sticking with Changbin, Chan and Felix as he would have done in normal circumstances. And, well, he hadn’t said no like he usually did when the others had offered him a drink.

They stayed in the kitchen for a long while, Chan pushing Jisung to drink more and more water and deflecting anyone who tried to rope them into going back to the impromptu floor dance in the living room. After what felt like hours, Jisung’s upset stomach had finally started to feel more settled and he wasn’t feeling as out of it as before.

But, all of a sudden, he heard Chan asking someone if they were heading back to the dorms. He hadn’t even realized the older walking away from him in the first place. “…Felix and Changbin are still here somewhere and I want to make sure they make it back safe too. This party has gotten a little out of hand.”

“But, why me? You could ask anyone else, hyung.”

 _That voice._ Jisung felt part of the dizziness still clouding his senses disappearing the moment he recognized its owner. “Hyunjin-ah, you’re literally going back to the dorms anyway; you just have to bring him with you. He has sobered up a little but I’ll still feel better if you guys go back together.”

Jisung felt a pang of betrayal course through his body. Literally everyone knew that Hyunjin and him couldn’t be in the same room together without trying to rip each other’s heads, always making sure that at least 2 other people were there with them if they had no other option. What was Chan even thinking?

At first, after what happened almost a year ago, they had adopted an indifferent attitude towards each other, simply ignoring the other’s existence. But, the moment things had started to get serious and positions in the final line-up had started to be discussed, it became almost impossible to be around each other without some kind of argument happening between them. With Hyunjin starting to train for a rapper’s position, they were forced to see each other more frequently, and the infuriatingly stupid and unbearable feeling that always soared inside Jisung every time the taller was around, made Jisung become more and more aggressive. And Hyunjin was never one to back down.

“It’s not my fault if he wanted to look cool in front of the other hyungs and got pissed. I’m not going to–”

“As if I’d want you anywhere near me to begin with,” Jisung stepped in from his position against the kitchen counter.

He heard Chan calling his name in a warning tone but ignored him completely the moment Hyunjin’s eyes were set on him. The dancer scoffed, “ _I_ don’t want to be near _you_. I don’t want to risk having you vomit all over me like a toddler.”

Jisung saw red. “Oh yeah, you’d cry if your mommy’s boy rich clothes got stained, right? Can’t have our pretty boy look indecent in any way, lest he loses the only thing he’s good at.”

 _Hit and sink._ The look of pure fury in Hyunjin’s face was like a shot of adrenaline for Jisung, satisfaction numbing the rest of unpleasant thoughts that had been clouding his mind that night. “You, motherfu–”

“Enough!” Chan’s voice was powerful, loud despite the music blaring from the speakers in the living room. It effectively silenced the two young boys. “I’m not going to tolerate your antics, you hear me? You both know damn well that there’s a high possibility you’ll end up in the same group if you don’t fuck up first, so you better start maturing, for fuck’s sake.”

Jisung knew they had crossed a line if Chan swearing and shouting at them was anything to go by, and, by the stricken expression on Hyunjin’s stupid face, the other was aware of it too. Therefore, no one dared to complain when Chan spat out, “Get your asses moving, you’re going back together, you like it or not.”

With that last sentence, the older turned around and delved into the mass of bodies dancing in the living room, leaving the duo behind in awkward silence. Objectively speaking, they could’ve returned to the dorms in separate ways and no one would’ve been there to check if they were really going back together or not, but, well… Jisung felt genuinely guilty for, first of all, getting stupidly drunk and being shit at managing his emotions; also, for worrying/disappointing Chan and having the older take care of him and; on top of it all, for involving the singer in their mess when he already had a lot on his mind with all the ‘having-to-choose-the-members-for-the-final-line-up’ thingy and all.

The least he could do to make up for the shit he had put the leader through was listening to him, even if that meant spending a 20-minute-long walk to the dorms with no other than Hyunjin as company. Just thinking about it was enough for Jisung’s stomach to turn to knots all over again.

“Are we going or not?” Hyunjin blurted out, arms crossed over his chest in a defensive stance.

Jisung didn’t even bother replying to him, walking towards the apartment’s front door instead and trusting the taller boy to be able to follow him through the packed room.

Internally, Jisung scoffed at himself. A stupid part of him had really believed that it would be possible for the both of them to go back to the dorms without any mishaps along the way –sort of a miracle.

Well, he had definitely been wrong.

Jisung groaned at the impact, struggling against the arms holding him back when the rough edges of the rocky wall behind him started digging painfully into his back.

In his defense, the rapper was still very much under the effects of the alcohol coursing through his body, unable to free himself from Hyunjin’s tight grip on his biceps as easily as knew he was capable of. A part of him –probably the same one that believed in miracles– noted that the dancer had definitely grown taller than him in the past year, scrawny frame having undoubtedly filled out in certain places that Jisung tried his best to ignore. But he was not going to acknowledge any of that, not even to himself.

“You’re so fucking infuriating! Shut your mouth!” Hyunjin’s voice resonated in the dark alleyway, and, despite the fact that his annoying face was twisted in anger just in front of him, his voice sounded so whiny that Jisung couldn’t help the drunken giggles escaping his lips.

You see, it wasn’t Jisung’s fault that the boy was so easy to rile up. They hadn’t even been walking for 10 minutes when the rapper had made an innocent observation –out of pure, harmless curiosity, that is– regarding Hyunjin’s last rapping evaluation. Jisung hadn’t been present that day, choosing to take extra dance practice lessons instead, but the news of Hwang Hyunjin being scolded by their diction and technique coach had spread like wildfire among the trainees. It was rare for Hyunjin to be scolded at all, ever the sweet child he always pretended to be, but it was a first for him to be scolded due to something related to his skills. Needless to say that Jisung had been ecstatic at the news.

“I was being serious, though, I can help you with your diction any day,” Jisung insisted mockingly once he had recovered his breath. “You just have to ask nicely, _pretty boy_.”

With a force that took Jisung’s disoriented senses by surprise, Hyunjin suddenly moved his hands away from his arms to grab at the front of his shirt instead, lifting the rapper forward closer to his body and forcing Jisung to stand on his tippy toes. “I know you’re pathetically drunk right now, but call me that again and I… I will–”

“And you will what? You will punch me? You’re a funny one, Hyunjinnie,” Jisung was really having the time of his life, looking at the dancer’s eyes squint further at him in anger and frustration. If he had known that all he needed to do in order to forget about Jung's elimination and the stress of the last few months was to annoy Hyunjin a little bit, he would have done it much sooner. Most likely, he could have even saved himself the hangover he knew he was going to have to deal with the next day.

“I could,” Hyunjin mumbled. “But I’m not going to give you the satisfaction.”

Shoving him against the wall with a harsh push once again, Hyunjin took a step back, distancing himself from the rapper. “I’m going to make it into the group, Jisung, and I’m not going to let you fuck this up for me nor make me feel like I’m not good enough for it. Yeah, I might not be the best at rapping yet, but I will get there, don’t you worry.”

There it was, the passion that had once drawn him to Hyunjin the first time they met, exuding from every pore of the dancer despite the anger and frustration still clinging to his every move. Jisung hated how the knots in his stomach turned to mush all over just by hearing those words leaving his lips; Jisung hated the way Hyunjin made him feel, and, by extension, Jisung hated him as well.

“I would like to see you try,” the rapper said, taking a step forward towards Hyunjin to make sure the other heard as clear as possible his next words. “Yeah, Chan-hyung might be considering you for a position in the final line-up. In the end, it’s going to be an idol-group and he’s no stupid, he knows that any worthwhile idol-group needs some eye-candy in it. But, what else can you offer? Dancing? Minho-hyung has been training for a couple of months only and we can all tell that he’s already the best.”

Jisung might had been drunk but he wasn’t blind, he could see as clear as day that his words were hurting the boy but he couldn’t find it in himself to feel bad about it. Hyunjin had walked into Jisung’s life and turned it all upside down with his mere existence, always finding a way or another to give the rapper more and more reasons to dislike him.

Jisung was drunk, tired, sad and pissed-off and, well, Hyunjin just happened to be right there, making everything ten times worse like always.

“It’s unfair how in this industry looks always weigh more than talent, otherwise, Jung-hyung would still be here with us instead of you.”

They stood still for a couple of seconds, probably too close if the way Jisung could see Hyunjin’s eyes go from angry to hurt to unfiltered rage in clear detail was anything to go by. He didn’t even flinch when the taller boy took another step closer to him, looking down at Jisung in his full height and forcing the rapper to tilt his head back to look him in the eyes. Hyunjin was close enough for his warm breaths to fan over Jisung’s face.

“I’ve always wondered how one could go in life being so full of themselves, being so proudly loud and obnoxious left and right. You go around with an air of superiority around you, as if you own the place. And, I’m not going to lie, I actually envy you somehow. I wish I was half as confident as you are.” Hyunjin’s words were filled with a contained venom that made Jisung shudder against his will, the taller’s usual soft features contorted in an angered scowl. “But, wanna hear something funny, Jisung? People like you always end up getting a reality check, something that will make you tumble down from the pedestal you’ve put yourself on. And I fucking promise you, I will be there to see it.” 

Jisung felt every word prickle at his ego like sharpened needles, every word fuel the raging storm brewing inside him like gasoline to a fire. His hands started shaking with the need to reach out and erase with a hard punch the slow but steady contented smirk spreading on the older’s face the moment he realized how affected the rapper was by his words. And Jisung, Jisung had to physically dig his nails into his hands to prevent himself from lashing out.

But, no, Hyunjin was not done yet. The rapper could see it in the way his eyes started glinting in the same manner a main character’s would when they were about to deliver the final blow to their long-term enemy.

With the same rage-filled but contained voice, Hyunjin finally added, “and you know, Jisung? For someone so opposed to me for being ‘mere eye-candy’ like you said, you do seem to pay a lot of attention to my looks. Shall I start considering you a fan?”

The alleyway fell silent, the cold breeze of the night seemingly becoming still all of a sudden, as if afraid to disturb the abrupt stillness that had befallen over the two boys. For a couple of seconds, neither of them moved a single muscle, eyes glued to each other in a silent glower.

But then, then Jisung remembered all the times Hyunjin’s infuriating antics had frustrated him to no end, all the times the dancer had riled him up to the point of almost tears, all the times he’d been scolded by his hyungs for being ‘too harsh on him’, always pointed out as the perpetrator, always judged like the villain.

With all that in mind, Jisung clenched his right fist even tighter and swung his arm back with all the force he could muster, aiming at that stupid face of his looking down at him. He moved fast, hastily. And then–

Then Jisung’s fingers tangled themselves in Hyunjin’s overgrown hair, pushing the taller’s face down to his.

Then Hyunjin’s left hand gripped Jisung’s waist in an iron grasp, right hand clasping on the rapper’s nape tightly.

Then their mouths collided against each other, a bruising crash of lips jolting them backwards and causing the rapper’s back to clash against the hard alleyway wall once again.

Jisung couldn’t tell who was the first one to start moving, all rational thinking shoved too far down his mind to be able to discern anything else that wasn’t the feeling of Hyunjin’s lips moving against his. The kiss was forceful, brimming with all the frustration, humiliation and confusion they had caused the other; full of too-sharp teeth pulling harshly on reddened lips and tongues sliding aggressively against each other. A constant battle for dominance in full swing.

Jisung was breathless when Hyunjin moved away from his mouth after what felt like both an instant and an eternity, lips parting desperately to gulp down oxygen as fast as he could. He could taste blood in his mouth, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care when he felt the dancer’s teeth bite down harshly on the tender flesh just below his jaw, sending his mind reeling. With shaking hands, he gripped Hyunjin’s shoulders with all his might in an attempt to ground himself, but his body betrayed him and moved on his own accord, baring his neck to the side for the taller and granting him complete access to his throat.

Hyunjin didn’t hesitate.

The dancer pressed bruising kisses against his neck one after the other, accompanied by harsh bites that littered Jisung’s throat with marks ranging from pinkish, to intense bright red, making the rapper bite down hard on his own bottom lip to prevent any noises from escaping his mouth.

He wanted more, more of that intoxicating feeling burning inside his veins and flickering deep in his gut. He _needed_ more.

With frantic motions, he grabbed Hyunjin’s face between his hands again and hastily guided him back to his lips, not knowing what else to do in order to appease the all-consuming desperate feeling growing inside him. Jisung felt like he was losing his mind.

Hyunjin’s lips were firm against his, a constant pressure that sent shivers down the rapper’s spine wave after wave. The slide of their mouths was surprisingly smooth, albeit frenzied, and a part of Jisung’s mind wondered how a simple kiss could make him feel so good. Hyunjin’s tongue traced the rapper’s palate, sliding aggressively against his when Jisung tried to regain control of the kiss.

Clenching Hyunjin’s shirt in his fists, he pulled the dancer impossibly close to him, wanting to feel every nook, curve and crevice of his body against him, _needing_ the closeness to ground himself. And that’s when he felt it, an electric current literally zapping down all his extremities the moment their hips were pressed flushed against each other.

Hyunjin let go of his abused lips with a ‘pop’, a harsh breath escaping his mouth at the electrifying feeling. Jisung needed more of it or he felt like he was going to die and–

All of a sudden, a metallic crash resounded loudly in the alleyway, causing the two boys to jump apart in a split second, eyes roaming around wildly looking for the source of the noise. What if someone had seen them? What if someone had been spying on them? What if they had taken photos and–?

“ _Meow!_ ”

Suddenly, a scrawny-looking cat jumped from behind the trashcans located a few meters away from their position, making Jisung take a shuddering relieved breath at the knowledge of not having been caught. But, with the cat’s distraction and Hyunjin’s intoxicating lips finally away from him, Jisung sobered up like a bolt of lightning. An intense dreading feeling settled in his stomach the moment his clear mind registered what had happened mere moments ago. 

With a sudden blurred vision, Jisung forced himself to look at the boy standing as still as a statue in front of him, face frozen in a bewildered expression that would had caused the rapper to laugh out loud in any other situation. But not now, definitely not now.

Still panting and out of breath, they both looked at each other for a moment, seconds that dragged like hours in Jisung’s head, the both of them digesting what had just happened between them. But before Jisung could even begin to think about what to do next, Hyunjin took a couple of steps back, shaking pupils still glued to his.

And, just like that, the taller boy turned around hastily and started sprinting down the alleyway, disappearing from Jisung’s sight in mere instants and leaving the rapper behind in complete silence.

Panic started filling his senses almost as soon as his brain caught-up with the fact that he was alone, his panting getting way worse for completely unrelated reasons to their previous actions. Jisung started to shake, the cold bite of the winter night finally registering in his body and, as if losing all of his strength, his legs gave up under him and he crumbled down against the wall like a ragdoll.

He had kissed Hyunjin again– No. _Desperately made out_ with him in a dark alleyway a couple of blocks away from their dorms. He had gripped at the older’s body like a lifeline, sought his lips as if they were the oxygen he so much needed to live, allowed the other to leave visible traces of it all against his neck, skin still tingling from the rough assault. He had crossed a line he had promised himself, all those months ago, that he would never cross again. And Jisung knew, deep down in his gut, that this time he wouldn’t be able to ignore the feelings swirling around in his head like a mantra, bury them down like he did almost a year ago when a 30-second-long chaste kiss had turned all of his beliefs about himself upside down, effectively ingraining Hwang Hyunjin as a dangerous person to avoid at all costs in his brain.

Instead, he had fucking flung himself at the dancer the moment they had been left alone for more than five minutes. 

Jisung pressed his palms against his eyes, trying hard to suppress the tears that were threatening to spill down his cheeks. He didn’t want to cry, he really, _really_ didn’t want to cry. But the sobs were already bubbling up his throat, escaping his tight-sealed lips in pathetic whimpers, and Jisung knew that he wouldn’t be able to stop the assault of self-doubt and confusion coming at him like a tsunami.

Why had he enjoyed the feeling of Hyunjin’s lips moving roughly against his, actively seeking them out, instead of pushing him away the moment they had gotten too close? Why had he let the other push him against the wall, press himself flush against him, after having thrown sharp, malicious words at each other intended to sting like salt in a wound? Why was he incapable of being around the dancer without tuning out everything else surrounding him, senses becoming hyperaware of Hyunjin’s every move and word instead? Why didn’t he stomp down on the blooming, confusing but glaringly obvious feelings taking root in his gut the moment he noticed them when he first heard Hyunjin passionately talk about his dreams of becoming an idol? _Why? Why? Why?_

Gripping his head with both hands, Jisung tried hard to dispel the accusing voices ringing loudly inside his head. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, like he couldn’t control the basic motion of inhaling and exhaling oxygen, and he knew then that he wasn’t going to get out of that negative mindset by himself. He desperately needed someone else’s help.

 _Felix._ That was the first name that popped up in his mind.

The Australian was one of the purest, nicest human beings Jisung had ever come across in his life, a perpetual smile plastered on his face and a personality as bright as a ray of sunshine. Jisung knew that if he called him, Felix would drop everything to listen to him, but, more importantly, to do so without any judgement. 

Jisung didn’t have any energy left to try and lie to himself about his fears; he was usually a person that didn’t pay any mind to what other people thought about him, it was one of his biggest strengths after all. But, _this_ … For the first time in very long, Jisung was scared of being judged, of what other people could say and think about him.

But Felix was as open-minded as they come, the rapper knew that he would not dwell on genders or labels and–

 _Shit._ Jisung suddenly remembered that the guy was still probably back at the party with Changbin and Chan. He couldn’t risk calling him and having them witness Jisung in such a disarray and all for the one and only Hwang Hyunjin.

_“People like you always end up getting a reality check, something that will make you tumble down from the pedestal you’ve put yourself on. And I fucking promise you, I will be there to see it.”_

Jisung scoffed bitterly at the memory; not only had Hyunjin spoke it into immediate existence and been there to see it, he had been the one causing the so-called reality check in the first place.

The rapper racked his jumbled brain in an attempt to come up with someone else that could be as good of an option as Felix, but he found himself discarding each and every single one of them. Yet, when he was about to give up, a final name popped up in his mind: _Lee Minho._

Jisung had only known the guy for barely two months but he felt like he had known the older his whole life. They had kicked it off amazingly well from the very beginning, becoming close almost from the get go, and Jisung knew somehow that Minho was the right person to call.

He didn’t allow himself to think it through, afraid that he would end up chickening out, so he hastily pressed the green ‘call’ button before he could change his mind.

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

On the third ring, he suddenly remembered that Minho hadn’t even attended the party in the first place and that it was probably later than 05:00 a.m., and that the older was obviously sleeping and–

“Hello?” A gruffy voice suddenly cut through the line, startling Jisung out of his thoughts.

It didn’t take Minho more than 5 minutes to get to Jisung’s location, and part of him wondered if the older had sprinted all the way there from the dorms. _“The alleyway behind the 7-Eleven we always go to after dance practice,”_ Jisung had half-sobbed on the phone after Minho had started panicking at his obvious distress. The rapper hadn’t even had time to pull himself together before the other had made his appearance in front of him.

Minho was wearing a padded jacket long enough to cover his body down to his knees, but Jisung could still see the unmistakable bunny-patterned pants of his pajamas. The older boy had really run out of the dorms as fast as possible to get to him, even if they had only known each other for two months.

“You’re not going to believe what I ran into on my way here!” Minho’s voice was light and nonchalant despite the worried way in which he scanned Jisung’s body the moment he stopped by his side. “The cutest and sneakiest cat ever. A pity it started running like a cheetah the moment I tried to approach it.”

The dancer didn’t even hesitate to sit down on the humid, cold floor of the alleyway next to Jisung, close enough for their elbows to touch but eyes trained on the opposite wall in front of them. Jisung was grateful to escape the older’s scrutinizing gaze, especially since he had noticed Minho’s eyes widening at the sight of his neck before averting them completely. Jisung had an inkling idea of how his neck could look like.

“What did I miss out on?” He asked after a while.

Jisung was grateful when Minho didn’t ask him what had happened straight away, giving him the chance to avert the topic with a general question instead, and he immediately knew that he had made the right choice calling him.

“The party was very shitty. You didn’t miss much, hyung.” His voice was still rough with unshed tears but Minho’s sole presence had already calmed him down a lot.

“That I can tell. I heard Hyunjin crying to Seungmin about it just after we hung up.”

If Minho noticed the way Jisung tensed up next to him at Hyunjin’s name, he didn’t show it.

Jisung cleared his throat. “Well, yeah… A farewell party in our circumstances is never a synonym of a good party.”

The older laughed at his words, nodding. “I’m sorry, by the way. I know you are close to Jung.”

Jisung shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant but feeling guilty about it. With all the Hyunjin fiasco, Jung’s elimination had kind of faded to the back of his mind.

“It sucks, really, but I should be used to it by now.”

Minho turned to look at him at his words, a neutral expression etched on his features. “Don’t be stupid, feeling sad because of it is completely valid. Using it as an excuse to get drunk though, it’s definitely not.”

Jisung felt the color rising to his cheeks, but he avoided Minho’s scrutinizing eyes again nonetheless. He definitely looked worse than he thought if the dancer had noticed his drunk state in such a short time. Jisung was positively way sober now, but he still could feel a light-dizziness clouding his senses.

“Yeah I know, Channie-hyung has already lectured me about it, and I will definitely suffer the consequences tomorrow morning. I was stupid and it will not happen again,” Jisung promised, voice small.

Minho rolled his eyes at him but patted his thigh softly. “Exactly, don’t be stupid again.”

In that very same moment, Jisung’s phone lightened up, Changbin’s caller ID displayed on the screen.

“Fuck, I can’t pick up. I was supposed to return back to the dorms with Hyunjin. If Chan-hyung knows that we haven’t listened to him he’s going to kill me.”

“Let me,” Minho said, simply holding out his hand to Jisung.

The rapper hesitated for a second but ended up giving him the phone.

“Hello? Changbinnie?... Yeah, it’s me, Minho… Jisung is here with me, no worries! He wasn’t feeling that well after he arrived at the dorms with Hyunjin so I thought going out for a walk would be a good idea,” Minho lied effortlessly. The older got silent for a moment and mouthed a ‘It’s Chan-hyung now’ to him. “Hey hyung, _what’s popping?_ ” Minho greeted the older in accented English. “Yeah, yeah, we’ll go back asap. We’re literally two blocks away from the dorms… Do you want to talk to him?... Okay! Yes!... Will do, hyung!... Bye!”

And just like that, he cut the line and returned the phone to Jisung. Upon seeing Jisung’s dumbfounded expression, he winked at him. “I know, I also think I’m a great actor myself. Maybe I should try auditioning for the next big drama.”

Jisung laughed at the older’s antics, feeling light-hearted for the first time that night. Minho was definitely one of a kind and Jisung had no doubt that after all of this they were going to become the bestest of friends.

“C’mon, let’s get going. I promised Chan-hyung that we would go back in less than 15 minutes. I think some bakeries might be open already by now, I will buy you a piece of cheesecake if we hurry up,” Minho said while attempting to stand up, but Jisung stopped him with a hand on his wrist.

“Hyung, wait,” he said hurriedly. He had the urgent need to both apologize to and thank the older for everything; apologize for waking him up at the crack of dawn, worrying him and making him walk all the way to a shitty, humid alleyway for him; thank him for calming him down, not asking for explanations like any other person would’ve done and for lying to Changbin and Chan for him to get him out of trouble. Jisung wanted to say a lot of things but his exhausted brain only had enough energy left for a simple, “Thank you, for real. And sorry, for… well, everything.”

Minho ‘Mmm’ed at his words and pulled him upwards with him, stabilizing the younger when Jisung stumbled backwards a little bit. “’S okay, Sungie, that’s what hyung is here for.”

++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOOOKAY, there you go. Was it good? Horrible? Please let me know, comments and kudos are really a huge source of motivation and they make my day :)
> 
> Before you go, I just wanted to point out that the relationship between Hyungsung was in an all-time-low in this chapter. It will get better, I promise. 
> 
> Have a good night~


	3. Truce

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> I'm so, so sorry it took me this long to update, but this chapter has been a literal pain in the ***. I'm not completely satisfied with it, to be honest, but I needed to post it before I messed it up even more. 
> 
> This story has now become a 'stop-making-Jisung-sad' challenge and I'm failing tremendously at it. I promise you things will get brighter (or at least that's my intention, I never know what happens in my head when I start writing). 
> 
> Before jumping into it, the usual reminder that the timing of events/ages might be inaccurate. Please bear with me! Also, there are discussions of a character’s sexuality and mentions of slight homophobia (extremely tame, though).
> 
> As usual, EVERYTHING narrated in this story is fictional from head to toe. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

Dance practice had been as bad as Jisung had expected it to be: Chan and Changbin hadn’t stopped sending him worried looks every time Jisung had so much as struggled in the slightest with one of the many special performances they were working on; Minho had been trying hard to help him out and prevent their coach from noticing how many mistakes the rapper was actually making; and, Hyunjin… Hyunjin had kept to himself, uncharacteristically quiet throughout the whole practice. 

At least Jeongin, Seungmin and Felix hadn’t seemed too weirded out by Jisung’s lapses. In the end, the rapper was known to forget their dances rather easily.

Their coach had already dismissed them for the day but they were all still lingering around in the dance studio, trying to catch their breath after 3 hours of exhausting dance practice. The end of the year period was so hectic that Jisung could not even begin to understand how they were still standing on their feet after all the practice sessions of the last two weeks. It was mind-boggling.

“Hannie, stay back for a moment, I need you to look over one track,” Chan suddenly said to him after gulping down half a bottle of water in one go. The leader was still pretty much breathless, drenched in sweat from head to toe.

Jisung observed the soft features of his friend; nothing in his face gave away the intention behind his request. They always did this, working together and helping each other out with their tracks, but Jisung suspected the other was asking him to stay back for a completely different reason.

“Wait hyung, I think Jisung needs some more working on the last part of the choreography. I’ve noticed him struggling with certain steps,” Minho stepped in, his grey T-shirt obscured with sweat around his collarbones.

Jisung was about to complain, to declare that if he moved a single muscle again his body was just going to shut down on him, when he noticed that Chan and Minho were having what appeared to be a silent conversation through their eyes. Dread settled in Jisung’s stomach.

“I’ll look over the track instead, hyung,” Changbin offered. The older rapper was one of the most observant people Jisung had ever met, so he had obviously caught up fast to what was really going on.

Everyone in the group knew that Minho was the one who usually handled Jisung the best when the younger was too out of it, when the rapper resorted to avoiding everyone and turned to almost obsessively writing lyrics as a coping mechanism. In the end, the growing pile of balled-up papers filling the trashcan in their recording studio was hard to miss.

“Okay,” Chan finally relented. “Don’t push him too hard, though.” Just by the sympathetic smile the leader sent his way, Jisung could tell his last sentence was not related to dancing at all.

Felix, ever the touchiest one out of their group, approached him from behind and hugged him tightly, despite the sweat drenching Jisung’s clothes. “I’m going to bake a brownie today, so make sure to learn the dance fast so you can eat it warm! I’ll even save you the middle part.”

Jisung smiled broadly at him over his shoulder. “Don’t let all those pigs near it before I get back, they have no self-control.”

“I know it might be hard to relate, but I’m a growing boy, hyung. I need my sustenance,” Jeongin fired back, finally standing up from the floor to start gathering his stuff.

“You’re lucky you’re cute, Innie,” Jisung pouted at him. The maknae playfully stuck out his tongue as a response.

One by one, the rapper observed the members leaving the dance room, joking around with each other and being as loud as they usually were. He fervently wished he could join them and go back to the dorms once and for all; he desperately needed a shower, a good ol’ piece of brownie, and lots of sleep. But, by the way Minho pressed a heavy hand on his shoulder, Jisung knew he was not going anywhere any time soon.

Suddenly, Jisung felt the tell-tale sensation of eyes trained on him and he looked around the much silent room to discover Hyunjin still leaning against the fogged-up mirror. The boy was looking at him with an indiscernible and intense look in his eyes, stray blonde strands of hair sticking to his neck after having escaped his low ponytail and, not for the first time, Jisung felt his breath hitch at the image. He couldn’t look away.

The rapper had always found the vision of a post-dance Hyunjin, sweaty and breathless but with an unmistakable look of satisfaction and passion still clinging to his beautiful features, simply fascinating.

“Hyunjin?” Seungmin, still quietly waiting for the blond half-way out of the room, broke the silence that had suddenly settled around them.

The taller boy finally dragged his eyes away from Jisung and hurried to straighten up, “Yeah, sorry. I’m coming.”

Jisung didn’t miss the confused frown forming on Seungmin’s face at their weird interaction, hesitating for a couple of seconds before shaking his head and following the dancer out of the studio. The rapper gulped; he really didn’t need another member catching on to the tension between Hyunjin and him.

“Okay, let’s go down to our café. I’m craving an iced americano,” Minho spoke up nonchalantly as soon as they were left alone in the studio, pushing Jisung towards the door by his shoulders.

“Are you really not even going to keep up the pretense for a bit? You’re supposed to be helping me out with the choreography!” The rapper complained, baffled.

“What’s the point? Literally everyone knows that we’re not doing that. Now get moving, I want to get a seat by the window.”

‘Our café’ consisted of a tiny coffee shop hidden between a Starbucks and a KFC two blocks away from their dance studio. Jisung and Minho had discovered it during the Survival Show and had made it their go-to place whenever they wanted some time for themselves. It was a cute, cozy café decorated with pastel colors and unmatching furniture.

The young lady working the evening shift recognized them immediately, having tended to them in countless occasions, so she sent them a gracious smile and brought them to the window table Minho had requested. The older liked that table more than the rest for obvious reasons; it was secluded by a large screen decorated with Sakura trees and somewhat isolated from the rest of the café, located in the farthest corner from the main entrance, perfect for an interrogation if Jisung dared to say so. To top it all off, the café was almost completely empty because it was already quite late.

The girl didn’t even offer them the menu before grabbing her notepad.

“Two iced americanos and a piece of cheesecake to share?” She asked politely instead.

“Let it be two pieces of cheesecake today. We’ll need the sugar,” Minho reverted with a sweet smile.

The girl tried to hide her blush behind her notepad unsuccessfully, jolting down their order in a hurried manner. “All noted, please wait for a bit.”

“Poor girl, she must think you’re a full-on gentleman with the way you always talk to her,” Jisung whispered to Minho the moment the waitress walked away from their table. “She’s definitely not seen you stuffing tissues in other people’s mouths.”

“Not my fault you’re blind to my charms, Jisungie,” the older punctuated with a wink.

Minho waited until the waitress returned back to the table with their order –making sure they wouldn’t be interrupted afterwards–, before suddenly shifting on his seat, eyes set on Jisung with a blank expression on his face.

Jisung knew that face very well, it was the same one the older always kept on every time the rapper shared with him his worries and fears, face neutral and non-judging. The dancer remained silent and Jisung knew from experience he would not speak up until the younger started talking himself, both a technique to make him open up –Jisung hated awkward silences with a heated passion– and to give him time to sort his thoughts out.

Attacking his cheesecake portion with a fork, Jisung tried to relax on his seat _. It’s just Minho-hyung, you can do it._

“It’s not like we have started fighting again, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Jisung started.

Minho nodded, “good to know.”

The rapper stabbed another big chunk of cheesecake, shoveling it into his mouth.

“It’s just… Let’s say I’ve been having problems sleeping lately.”

Minho frowned, confused. “What does that have to do with Hyunjin? Is he bothering you at night?”

_A lot, but not the way you’re thinking._

“Not exactly. I mean, yes, he’s… part of the problem. But, he’s not doing it on purpose, you know? It’s more of a _me_ problem,” the younger tried again.

Minho stared at him, frown deepening.

“Jisung, you’re making no sense.”

Jisung grimaced, burying his face in his hands. “I just… I really don’t know how to go about this, hyung. It’s embarrassing, and wrong and I–”

“Okay, okay. Calm down,” Minho moved a hand across the table, laying it on top of the bend of his elbow. “It can’t be that bad, I’m sure you’re just overreacting.”

Jisung shook his head, face still hidden in his hands. “ _It is_ really bad, and I feel like it’s just getting worse.”

Minho stayed quiet for a couple of seconds before blurting, “are you having wet dreams about Hyunjin?”

If Jisung were to be cliché about his reaction, he would definitely use the sentence ‘I wish the ground would split up open and swallow me whole’ as a way to describe it. Crossing his arms on top of the table, he buried his head between them, letting out inhuman noises for a couple of seconds.

“For fuck’s sake, hyung. What the fuck?” He mumbled against the table.

“Should I take that as a yes?”

It took Jisung a good half a minute to get his head to nod weakly. Luckily, it was enough for the older to get it.

“Jisung, look at me,” Minho asked him.

The rapper was scared shitless of the older’s reaction, a thousand different scenarios –all bleak and embarrassing, with Minho hating him and being disgusted in all of them– crossing his head at high-speed. He really didn’t want to look up and see a look of repulsion and hatred on his beloved hyung’s face.

Minho tapped on his elbow twice, insistent. “I swear to God, Sungie. You’re so dramatic… Look up!”

The dancer using his nickname made him relax a tiny bit. He couldn’t be that mad if he was still addressing him like that, right?

As if his head suddenly weighed a hundred kilos, Jisung lifted it up slowly, finally making eye-contact with the older.

“You’re seriously stupid.”

Minho looked completely unbothered, munching coolly on a piece of cheesecake.

“Hyung! This is a serious issue! Hyunjin is my teammate, my friend!” Jisung shrieked, outraged.

“Yes, and you’re a 20-year-old idol with virtually no contact with anyone else besides your teammates,” the older said, putting his fork down. “Like, you’re stuck with the guy 24/7, I don’t think having ‘weird dreams’ about him is something so outrageous. We’ve all been there!”

Jisung looked down, averting his gaze. Minho was obviously making a good point… But, in the end, the older was missing a big part of the story.

“Are you actually telling me that you got all Mighty And Full Of Testosterone on Hyunjin this morning just because of a stupid wet dream?” His voice was full of disbelief.

“More than one…” Jisung felt the need to correct him.

Minho scoffed. “Look Jisung, I know you tend to get all teen-angsty when you’re stressed out, but you yourself must realize that this is stupid! Unless–” The older cut himself short, his expression going from frustrated to pondering. “ _Unless_ there’s something else that you’re not telling me.”

Fuck Minho and his deep knowledge of his persona.

Just by looking at his face, the older knew that he had hit the nail on the head. “Hannie, I cannot help you if you don’t tell me what’s really going on. You’ve been acting off for quite a while now, don’t think we haven’t noticed,” he scolded him fondly. “You’ve just given me the perfect excuse this morning to confront you about it.”

Jisung ran his fingers through his hair, nervous. He really had thought that he had done a good job at hiding his troubled state of mind from his members until last night, but, once again, he had been proven wrong. Either he had to start giving them more credit for their observational skills or he had to seriously reevaluate his perception of his own deception capabilities.

Without uttering a word, he sliced another big piece of cheesecake, stuffing his cheeks.

If he was really going to finally talk about his story with Hyunjin, he couldn’t imagine doing it with anybody else but Minho. Just the way the older had reacted to the rapper having straight-out wet dreams about one of their teammates was proof enough of how open-minded and non-judging the boy could be.

One of the main reasons as of why they had gotten along so well in the first place, was exactly because of it; despite the fact that he usually paid no mind to other people’s opinions about him, Jisung would automatically become aloof towards anyone that made him feel judged or criticized without hearing him out first. One could call it an instinctive self-defense mechanism after years of being a trainee and being constantly judged and criticized during their monthly showcase evaluations.

The time had finally arrived for Jisung to talk about one of his most well-hidden secrets and, surprisingly, he felt an eerie calm covering him like a blanket. He had never shared with anyone any of the reasons why he had started fighting with Hyunjin. To be completely honest with himself, he hadn’t even stopped to inspect his own feelings about the whole situation after they had finally made peace with each other during the Survival Show.

Finishing his last piece of cheesecake with another big bite, he took a deep breath.

_I guess it’s about time I do._

“The first time it happened it wasn’t intentional. There was this douche called Jihoo that decided that bringing soju to a small gathering of minors at Hyunjin’s house was a good idea. He wanted Innie to drink as well, can you believe it? He was like, I don’t know, five years old back then.” Jisung distracted himself by twirling the transparent straw around in his increasingly watery americano. “Anyway, he dared Hyunjin to kiss me and he did. It wasn’t anything big, just a stupid dare, but I… I reacted badly to it. Not in that moment, but afterwards I couldn’t stop thinking about it. And we just… stopped talking.

The second time was… Well, I wouldn’t call it exactly intentional either because I don’t think any of us expected it to happen. But we were alone that day, there was no excuse, no one daring us to do shit, but we ended up kissing again. It was a mess hyung; I was drunk off my ass, our relationship was in an all-time low and we were constantly trying to be as mean as possible with each other. To be honest, I was actually about to punch him in the face but we ended up making out instead.” Jisung stopped his swirling motions, taking another deep breath to muster up all of his courage to look at the older. “I’m telling you, hyung. K-drama worthy material.”

Minho’s face was no longer looking like a blank, expressionless canvas anymore; his features were now contorted in a mix between unmistakable surprise and something that looked like he was having a heated internal debate with himself in that exact same moment. Well, someone had finally said something that had rendered the dancer speechless.

The rapper waited for the other to gather his bearings, in the end, he had just dropped a big bomb on him. If it were the other way around, if Minho suddenly came to him and told him that he had made out with, let’s say, Chan, in more than one occasion, and that he was having wet dreams about him, he would be understandably shocked as well.

But Jisung was never good with silences.

“Hyung, this is the moment you open your mouth and say something. Like, what the fuck Jisung, you’re joking, right? Or, stop messing with me or something like that,” the younger said with a trembling voice but trying hard to lighten up the mood. “I don’t know, say whatever, but please just say something.”

Minho blinked rapidly a couple of times, that cute habit of his letting Jisung know that he was trying to look for the right words. As cold as the older looked and liked to behave in public, he was a real softie in the inside, and he always tried his best to word his thoughts in a way that wouldn’t hurt the other person if the topic was of a sensitive nature.

Minho opened and closed his mouth repeatedly before finally shaking his head and blurting out, “at this point, I honestly didn’t expect you to ever talk about it,” he finally said.

Jisung’s brain came to halt. “Wait, what?”

“I knew already, Jisung.”

“What do you mean?” The rapper mumbled, trying hard to understand the words coming out of the older’s mouth.

“I didn’t know about the first kiss but, the day you called me to pick you up after that farewell party, I heard Hyunjin crying in the balcony of our old dorm.” Jisung swore his heart stopped beating at the older’s words. “Seungmin was there with him, and I heard them talking about what had happened between you two that night. At first I wasn’t sure if I had heard it right. I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop purposefully, you know? But, when I saw you afterwards… Well, I had no more doubts left.” A flash of a younger version of Hyunjin nipping at the skin of his neck, leaving angry bruises behind, intruded Jisung’s rushing thoughts, making the younger blush intensely.

Somewhere inside Jisung’s currently panicking brain, he registered the fact that Seungmin knew, that he had known all along, and that he was down-right stupid for believing that Hyunjin hadn’t explained it to him at some point. Seungmin had always been Hyunjin’s confidant by default, and they complemented each other so well that it should’ve been almost an understatement that the singer was obviously aware of what had happened between them. In the end, Seungmin had even been one of the few witnesses of the stupid incident that had caused it all to begin with, hadn’t he?

But, somehow, the fact that Minho had _also_ known all along was ten-thousand times more baffling for the rapper.

“I–… You didn’t say anything? What did you even hear Hyunjin say?”

“First of all, it’s not my place to talk about what Hyunjin said or not. As I said, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. And, secondly, of course I didn’t say anything, Jisung. You were literally a breath away from an anxiety attack when I got there. It was clear you were neither ready nor wanted to talk about it,” Minho clarified. “Besides, I didn’t know you that well back then and I didn’t know anything about your relationship with Hyunjin either, only that you guys hated each other’s guts.”

“Okay, fair enough. But, afterwards? You’ve never brought it up.”

Minho looked away for a moment, shrugging his shoulders. “You never mentioned it yourself. And I _do_ know you now; trying to get you to talk about something if you’re not ready for it is like pulling a tooth. Also, you guys ended up sorting things out and becoming very close, so there was no point for me to bring it up any longer.”

Jisung left himself fall back against the chair, dumbfounded. _What the actual fuck?_

Minho assessed him silently for a while, probably doing damage control about the younger’s state of mind. “Look, don’t stress out about this, Sungie. I’m not judging you now and I didn’t judge you back then. I’ve known all along and you know that I’m obviously okay with all of this if that’s what’s worrying you. Fuck social constructs and all of that,” the older finally said.

“It’s just– I mean… I can see that _now_ … But I kinda expected a different reaction? Like, you getting mad or something.”

“Yah! What do you think of me, Han Jisung? Did you think I was some kind of homophobe or something? As if Chan-hyung and Felix would’ve let me live that down,” Minho hissed, affronted. “You can make out with a Labrador for all I care.”

“Ew gross! Don’t be weird, hyung!”

Taking a deep breath again, Jisung rested his head against the backrest of his chair, looking up at the ceiling. “No, hyung. I didn’t think you’d react negatively in that sense. Ultimately, I know we’re all very open-minded in this group. I’m not going to lie and say that it wasn’t difficult for me to come to terms with my sexuality. I still don’t get myself sometimes, you know? But I’ve learnt to just… go with it, I guess.”

Minho hummed appreciatively, patting his thigh affectionately from under the table. “Look at you saying such wise words, Hannie. You’re all grown up now,” the older said with a hint of teasing in his voice. “What were you scared about, then?”

Jisung frowned, lifting his head up again to look at the older. “Isn’t it obvious, hyung? We’re talking about Hyunjin here. As if, our teammate in an idol group in South Korea, not a random dude I had a crush on during high school. I thought you would be mad, that you’d call me irresponsible and be understandably scared of how risky our actions were in our circumstances.”

Minho tilted his head to the side in a display of cat-like behavior. Jisung always liked to tease him about it but the other was always flattered instead. “A crush?”

Jisung spluttered, flustered. “Is that what you choose to focus on?”

Minho shrugged at him, raising an eyebrow. “Are you planning to date him and make it public any time soon?”

The rapper spluttered again, _harder_. “Hyung!”

“What? God I swear you’re so obtuse sometimes. It’s not as if Dispatch will get inside your head and read your thoughts, or get inside our dorm or whatever,” Minho said carelessly, rolling his eyes at him.

“You’re making it sound as if–”

“As if you have feelings for Hyunjin?”

Jisung felt himself blush furiously. “No! I was going to say that you’re making it sound as if it’s not a big deal! But, what are you even talking about?”

And, you see? There was another reason Jisung and Minho were such good friends: Minho was honest, and Jisung appreciated honesty more than anything else.

“Well, it looks pretty obvious for me: either you’re sexually frustrated and have the hots for Hyunjin or, you have feelings for him and this goes beyond a kiss or two or ‘more than one’ wet dream about him.”

Jisung appreciated honesty, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less when Minho was being _brutally_ honest.

“Hyung, I don’t– I really… What even? Of course I don’t have the hots for– F-feelings! Like, what are you even–”

Minho raised a hand to make him stop bubbling like the hot mess he had suddenly turned into, his face going back to that blank, non-judging canvas. “Let me rephrase that. Be it one thing or the other, you cannot keep on holing yourself in the studio, ignoring everyone around you or becoming so sensitive that you jump at the slightest thing that troubles you. More importantly, you have to put a stop to whatever weird tension is going on between you and Hyunjin lately; the guy doesn’t know where all of this is coming from and it’s putting everyone else on edge.

You both have always been very vague about how you solved things out, but I have the feeling that you didn’t really address the root of the problem. Maybe that’s why you’re back again at being unable to function normally around him… Who knows? Perhaps if you talk about it with him, you get to hear his side of the story and understand better what’s really going on between you guys. I don’t know, call me crazy for believing in healthy communication and all of that.”

Jisung felt tears start prickling at the back of his eyes. Deep inside himself, he had always been aware of all the things Minho had just tossed his way. In the end, that was Jisung’s problem, wasn’t it? He wasn’t good at managing his emotions; he would become more and more worked-up until he would suddenly erupt like a volcano and burn everything and everyone around him. That’s why he had been so problematic during his pre-debut years and that’s why this whole fiasco with Hyunjin had even started in the first place. Obsessively writing lyrics could only help so much when you had tons and tons of poorly-managed emotional build-up inside of you.

Suddenly, Minho pushed his plate of cheesecake towards him, almost untouched. “Have mine, I’ve seen you ogling it for a while,” he said in a soft voice, a small smile curling his lips.

Minho had probably ordered two cheesecakes with the sole intention of giving it all to Jisung from the very beginning.

And just like that, Jisung started crying.

The older fumbled for a moment, taken aback by Jisung’s sudden tears, but he recovered fast, standing up hastily and crouching down next to the rapper to grab his hands in his. But the younger was on an emotional burn-out, having been under so much pressure for so long, keeping it all to himself and thinking that he had been doing a good job at hiding his issues from the others, only to discover that, not only had he failed disastrously, but also that Seungmin and Minho had known all along.

Without thinking it twice, Jisung wrapped his arms around Minho’s neck in a tight hug, letting himself cry on the older’s shoulder. He was sure that the position was uncomfortable for the dancer but Minho didn’t complain, patting his hair in soft strokes instead. “It’s going to be okay, you big overdramatic baby. We’re all here for you.”

And Jisung knew that his words were true, that no matter what Jisung had done in the past or felt in the present, the other 7 wonderful boys he had the luck to share his life with, would always be there to catch him. So, he cried, _harder._

Minho stroked his back in soothing motions, trying to calm the younger down. “Hyung is sorry for being so blunt, I should’ve been more careful with my words,” he said with his voice dripping in worry.

Jisung hurried to shake his head. He wanted to speak up and tell him that he was grateful, that he had needed to hear the truth to finally realize that he couldn’t keep on running from the mess he himself had created. The way he had been dealing with the ‘Hyunjin-situation’ had been doomed from the very beginning, and he had to start putting remedy to all of his mistakes.

“I’m scared, hyung,” he mumbled instead, voice muffled against the older’s jumper. This close, he could smell the faint scent of sweat on the dancer, mixed with the cologne Minho always liked to put on.

“Don’t be, as you very well said, we’re talking about Hyunjin here. And you’ve done this before, right? Sorting things out. Just talk to him, Hannie, be upfront for once.”

And yeah, Minho was –once again– right. Almost three years ago, they had been able to finally bury the hatchet and start being civilized with each other, despite how mean and childish they had behaved before. 

Things were different now, that was for sure, but Jisung had made up his mind.

++

** 17 **

Chan had avoided interfering in Jisung’s and Hyunjin’s feud for as long as he had been able to. Sure, the older had thrown warnings here and there from time to time when they were being particularly loud, or had tried to calm them down whenever things had started to get heated between them, but he had never really staged a full-on intervention regarding their relationship.

Jisung had numerous theories as of why the older hadn’t snapped at them earlier, like, for example, Chan not wanting to get involved in their drama nor pick sides –which, if the rapper was honest with himself, he felt like he was already doing so since the Australian was _way_ harsher with him than with Hyunjin when he did comment on their arguments. The older was a very mindful and conscientious person and, even though it was clear he was going to debut and be the leader of whatever final line-up ended up making the group, Jisung thought Chan did not believe he had any right to force people to get along, if that was even possible.

But things had changed drastically in a matter of mere weeks.

Jisung could still remember as clear as glass the day Chan had made the announcement before they were all dragged to a 4-hour-long meeting with the company’s management team. All of the boys present in the room already knew that they had been selected to participate in a Survival Show for the creation of JYP’s next boy group, but there had been no official statements released by the company up until that point. At least, not until they had all signed new contracts for the show that very same day.

Things had been set into motion in a vertiginous and brusque way after that, as if a dormant beast had finally been awakened. Ultimately, it all came down to having to change and adjust to a lot of new things, starting with their dynamics as they were now considered a group. And that’s how Jisung had found himself sat down awkwardly next to a very tense Hwang Hyunjin, their leader assessing them in silence from the opposite side of the table.

“Believe me, I don't want to be here either nor have this conversation any more than you do, but we are going to go through a Survival Show _as a group,_ and, if everything goes as planned, debut together,” Chan started, arms folded tightly on top of the table. “Hopefully, you guys understand why I’m asking you for this.”

And Jisung did understand, obviously, he was no stupid. Chan’s request had been very straight-forward: _‘I’m not asking you to be friends all of a sudden, but you must start making an active effort to be more comfortable around each other and behave like real groupmates.’_

Easier said than done.

“You’ve been training together for almost two years now, so you must know what it is that makes the other person tick. In the end, you’re both very good at being at each other’s throats all the time.” Chan’s voice was light but Jisung could easily detect the seriousness in his words. “So, use that knowledge to your advantage and… I don’t know, stop doing it.”

Jisung wanted to scoff at his words but refrained from doing so, biting down on his lips instead. Hyunjin would need to change his whole personality then.

“Besides, you guys used to get along in the beginning. You were actually pretty close, don’t even try to deny it! Just… what went wrong?”

If it was possible for the atmosphere in the room to become even tenser than it already was, it certainly did after Chan’s question. Up until that point, both Jisung and Hyunjin had been able to avoid talking about the specific reason that had caused them to stop being on friendly terms. The rapper’s motives were clear; if he were to open up, he would need to unpack a lot of things that he was definitely not ready to neither talk about nor acknowledge to himself. So, yeah, that made it very difficult for him to respond to Chan’s question.

“There wasn’t a particular reason for me,” Hyunjin replied after they had been silent for too long.

_Liar._

Jisung went along with his reasoning nonetheless, nodding silently.

Chan sighed at their response, the glint in his eyes telling enough for the rapper to know that he had not believed them at all. In the end, the shift in their relationship had been so abrupt that it was quite obvious for those who had been there to witness it that a specific event must had triggered it, even if their relationship had quickly deteriorated afterwards because of their clashing personalities.

“Okay, whatever, I guess it doesn’t really matter. But you do understand the importance of what I’m asking for, right?” Chan insisted, completely serious now. “We’ve never been closer to achieving our dreams, don’t allow your… _animosity_ to get in the way.”

The rapper knew that the situation had been a long time coming since it had become increasingly obvious that Hyunjin was going to be part of the final line-up. As much as he hated to admit it, the older had shown steady improvement throughout the past two years, so it had been just a matter of time for them to end up being forced to confront their ‘animosity’, as Chan liked to call it.

After that, Chan shifted to talk about more technical aspects that they should start being careful about, like the cameras that would be constantly following them around. The topic was substantially less personal and dangerous, so Jisung felt like he could finally relax for a little bit.

But, well, when had the universe ever given him a reprieve of any kind?

Jisung was about to leave the room with Hyunjin after they had both confirmed that they would try their best to change their behavior, when Chan stopped him all of a sudden. “Wait Jisung, stay back for a moment, please.”

_Of course._

Reluctantly, the younger boy sat down again, facing the older with petulance. “Please, tell me you want me to stay to explain me more about the producing aspect of the Survival Show,” he begged.

Chan’s sympathetic smile told him otherwise.

“I just said I understood and that I agreed on trying to behave more civilized around him. What else do you want me to say?” Jisung snapped, irritated.

He knew he was being a brat, but that was _exactly_ what he meant when he said that Chan –and everyone else, really–, was harsher on him when it came to his relationship with Hyunjin. The taller boy had been released with a simple ‘Will do, hyung’, and he had to stay back for a personal scolding session instead. Life was unfair.

Chan sighed again before standing up and walking around the table, sitting next to the younger on the chair that had previously been occupied by Hyunjin. “Jisung-ah, listen,” he said in a soft voice, grabbing the rapper’s hands in a loose grip. “You just worry me sometimes. I know you can… feel a lot, occasionally. So, I just want to remind you that hyung is here if you ever need to talk about whatever.”

Despite Chan’s words being seemingly innocuous, something about the way the older was looking at him made him flinch, moving his hands back into his lap. “What does this have to do with Hyunjin?”

He knew he was sounding every bit as defensive as he felt, but Chan ploughed through nonetheless. “I’m just saying that I know you’re a great guy with a big heart and that you’ll be able to overcome whatever that is going on between you two.”

Chan’s words were affecting him more than he would like to admit, so he looked down at his lap, uneasy.

“And, I also know that you’re a sharp guy that sees that Hyunjin is, indeed, a very talented person. But this is a Survival Show that we must pass together, so I trust you to help him out with his rapping if he ever needs it.”

Jisung wanted to roll his eyes and say that he was crazy if he thought that Hyunjin would ever ask him for advice before going to Changbin, but he ended up murmuring a, “yeah, hyung. Whatever.”

The older giggled at his apparent forced aloof attitude, a hand ruffling Jisung’s hair fondly. “Just promise me you’ll try for real and I will let you go.”

And Jisung might be a lot of things; he might be stubborn, sensitive, bold and impulsive on a regular basis, but he was a man of his word, and Chan knew that. Jisung was Jisung, and the older knew him too damn well.

Taking a deep breath, he finally looked up at the older. “Okay, hyung. I promise.”

But promising it and trying for real didn’t mean that they magically stopped arguing to become the bestest of friends the very next day. Far from it, actually, especially after they moved to their new dorms and were forced to be around each other even more frequently than before.

The Survival Show was being as overwhelming as Jisung had imagined it to be, and the added pressure of all of it being recorded and broadcasted was really affecting him more than he had originally expected. But he was not alone; everyone else was definitely tenser than usual as well.

However, things had improved a _tiny little bit_ between them, neither of them trying to actively annoy the other on purpose anymore. They did have their relapses, though, like the time they argued during dance practice and pronounced their infamous _‘You dance better!’_ and _‘You focus on your rap!’_

And, sometimes, Jisung was really scared that, no matter how much effort he put into it, he would never be able to get rid of the almost automatic bitterness he felt towards the other, especially when it was coupled with that annoyingly ticklish feeling swirling in his gut whenever Hyunjin was dancing passionately, working particularly hard on his pronunciation or… simply pouting with those big, plump lips of his –Jisung didn’t like to dwell on that last thought, though, _thank you very much._

But, just as with their fallout, the next real shift in their relationship was also triggered by a specific event.

Jisung had no idea for how long exactly he’d been holed up in their tiny studio. Thinking about it, he wasn’t even sure he could understand the notion of the passing of time anymore: was it 7 p.m.? 4 a.m.? A week could have gone by and he wouldn’t even had realized it.

The paper where he was scribbling down his pathetic attempts at the lyrics for their main song for the show was all wrinkled up, and Jisung knew he was exerting too much force onto it if the way his hand was starting to shake quite noticeably was anything to go by. But he needed to finish it, he needed to perfectionate the song until it was so good that there was no way anyone else was going to get eliminated.

Almost instantly, he felt a pang of hurt squeeze his insides painfully. Jisung cursed at himself.

Overthinking about Minho’s elimination, dwelling on _what if’s_ and _maybe’s,_ was definitely not going to help him at all.

Taking a shuddering breath, he shook his head and tried to go back to finishing that fucking verse. Key word: _try_. Because he couldn’t, for the love of all holy, find a way to connect two lines without completely throwing off the flow of his rap.

He was literally going insane.

Letting go of the battered pencil, he buried his hands on his own hair, hanging his head lowly. He wanted to ignore the familiar building pressure in his chest, but he could already feel the prickly tell-tale feeling of tears behind his eyelids and he didn’t think he had it in him to stop himself from crying anymore.

Maybe he just needed to have a good cry, let it all out and–

“Hyung, I need your help. I keep making mistakes in– Oh, Jisung, hi. I thought Changbin hyung would still be–,” the older cut himself short abruptly and the rapper was pretty sure of the reason behind it, so he rushed to wipe away the stray tears that had already started rolling down his cheeks.

“ _Hey,_ ” his voice came out all hoarse so he cleared his throat, trying again. “Hi, Hyunjin. Changbin-hyung has already left.”

Jisung tried as hard as he could to regain his composure, to seem nonchalant, although he was 100% sure that the other had definitely caught sight of his tears. His appearance was probably a whole mess anyway, but he refused to let the other see him in such a vulnerable state.

“Oh, okay,” Hyunjin simply said.

The room fell silent for several seconds afterwards and Jisung averted his eyes uncomfortably, looking down at his messy hand-writing instead. Finally, he heard the unmistakable sound of the door of the studio being closed and he let go of a breath he didn’t even know he was holding, relieved at having been left alone in his own misery again. However, when he looked back up, Hyunjin was still there, standing awkwardly in front of the now closed door.

“Uh, I…” Hyunjin started, fidgety. The boy brushed his hair back in a nervous motion, a movement that Jisung had come to recognize as an obvious sign of the dancer feeling particularly anxious. “I just– Okay, I might be overstepping but… Are you… good?”

If it weren’t for his already distressed state of mind, Jisung was sure that his jaw would had dropped all the way down to the floor at the older’s words. Was Hwang Hyunjin really worrying about him?

Yeah, sure, they had stopped trying to be mean towards each other on purpose, but… Actually, asking him _if he was_ _okay_?

_What the actual fuck?_

He cleared his throat again, looking away from Hyunjin’s figure. “Yeah, working on lyrics,” he simply retorted, pointing at the numerous balled-up papers littering the desk.

“Looks like it,” Hyunjin murmured, still lingering in the same spot in front of the door.

With a simple ‘Are you good?’, Hyunjin had been nicer than any of them both had been towards each other for the past year, so the rapper fully expected him to turn around and leave the studio at any moment after completing his good deed of the day.

But, he didn’t, and the room fell silent once again.

Jisung didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to be rude and snap at the older after he had tried to be nice to him, but he was still feeling pretty distressed and he _still_ needed to finish that fucking song.

“Why are you still–?”

“Do you mind if I–?”

The both of them spoke up at the same time and Jisung felt himself cringe hard at the overall awkwardness of the situation. This was being torture.

“Sorry, you said?”

“Yeah, uhm… I was asking if it was okay if I stayed here.” Jisung blanched. _What?_

Upon seeing his reaction, Hyunjin hurried up to clarify his words. “I mean, I want to look over my parts and out there it’s too noisy.”

Jisung knew that Hyunjin was lying since, by now, he was almost completely sure that only Chan and Felix were still in the training building apart from the two of them. But, somehow, he found himself nodding affirmatively anyways, making space for the older in the opposite side of the desk by throwing all of his balled-up failed attempts into the already overflowing trashcan.

Hyunjin shuffled around for a bit afterwards but ended up sitting down and looking at his phone, murmuring under his breath what the rapper suspected to be the lyrics of their next performance. Jisung tried to mimic him, grabbing his pencil again and reading over the verse he had been working on before being interrupted, but his attempts were completely futile; the letters in front of him made no sense all of a sudden. There was no way he was going to be able to concentrate at all with Hyunjin in the room.

Inevitably, Jisung’s brain made him remember that this was the first time they were alone for so long after Jung’s farewell party, and he felt his gut clench at the memory. Jisung would usually avoid thinking about that incident or their kiss at Hyunjin’s house as much as possible, but, with the dancer sitting just across the table, absentmindedly nibbling on the cap of his pen, it was proving to be a heck of a challenge to suppress those memories.

He shook his head, trying hard to distract himself by doodling at the bottom of the paper. He started by drawing a small squirrel on what was supposed to be a tree. He then moved to attempting to draw a big pig with wings. And, he was in the middle of sketching a chicken when Hyunjin finally spoke up.

“Look, I know I’m probably the last person you want to talk about… whatever is going on in your head right now. But, I have to ask,” the dancer had put his phone away and was now looking at him head-on. “Are you really okay? Like, _that_ definitely doesn’t look like lyrics to me.”

Jisung was caught off guard by Hyunjin’s sudden straight-forwardness, but he tried to play it cool. “Yeah, really. I’m just a little bit stressed with the whole Survival Show. Like everyone else, I guess.”

 _A little bit stressed_ was a big of an understatement, but he didn’t elaborate any further.

“Maybe talking about it helps?” Hyunjin’s voice sounded unsure and the rapper could tell how nervous he was by how tense his body looked.

But, contrary to common belief when it came to the taller boy, Jisung was not a complete dickhead and he could totally see the efforts the older was trying to make for his sake. And, to be fair, he himself was _also_ making a big effort; in any other situation he would had already kicked the other out of the room and told him to mind his own business. But he had made a promise, and he was tired and sad and overwhelmed and Hyunjin looked extra soft under the dim light of the desk lamp.

“I know that I should be grateful for this opportunity, really, but I hate this stupid fucking survival show so much…” Hyunjin was obviously taken aback by Jisung’s words, probably having expected the younger to tell him to fuck off right away, but Jisung couldn’t find it in himself to stop the ramble of words leaving his mouth now that he had started talking. “And I’m honestly tired of being judged and criticized over and over again as if we hadn’t already been battered to tears before in almost every showcase evaluation. What’s the point of making us do this all over again? Exposure? Yeah, I guess so, but I hate how everything has to be so cruel and over the top in this industry. And the worst part is that we’re now being recorded for everyone to see like fucking monkeys. And don’t even get me started with what they did to Minho-hyung. Fuck the management team and fuck their great idea of making us participate in this shit show.” Jisung finally came to a halt, exhaling slowly. _Wow, that had felt great._

When he looked back at Hyunjin, he had to bit his lips to stop himself from laughing out loud. The older looked as if someone had told him that flying pigs existed. “Oh, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make this fucking verse sound somewhat decent.”

He definitely had had no idea of how the older was going to react to his rant, but he surely had not expected Hyunjin to suddenly burst out laughing, his body folding over the desk at the sheer force of his chuckles.

Somehow, Jisung felt himself shaking with waves of uncontrollable laughter as well, the older’s laughs seemingly contagious. All the negative thoughts, the sadness and frustration; all the pressure pushing down on his chest suffocatingly. It all suddenly vanished.

Jisung found himself laughing freely for the first time since the Survival Show had been announced.

They laughed together, loud and obnoxiously, for what seemed like both a second and an eternity for the rapper. But when they finally started to calm down, Jisung was surprised to find that he didn’t feel the slightest bit awkward anymore. 

“S-sorry, sorry,” Hyunjin apologized, wiping away the tears that had gathered in the corners of his eyes from laughing so much. “I didn’t mean to– I don’t want you to think that I feel like what you said is funny. I actually agree with very much all you said, but–”

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m sure you didn’t really expect me to throw all of that at you,” Jisung reassured him, an easy smile slowly spreading on his face.

A part of the rapper’s brain was panicking, shocked to the core at how Jisung was acting all of a sudden since his behavior was completely opposite to how he would usually act around the dancer. But it felt good, it felt _so damn good_ that he pushed those distressed thoughts away, focusing on the pleasant tingle that came after having a good laugh instead.

“For good measure, I think you’re probably just too sleep-deprived now to be working on lyrics. I’m sure you’ll have no problem making them sound perfect tomorrow morning.”

Jisung felt his smile grow even wider. “Is that a compliment I’m hearing?”

He could definitely be imagining it, high on a weird mixture of dopamine and adrenaline, but Hyunjin seemed to be blushing very hard at his words. _Cute._

“Ugh, don’t be a prick. I’m trying to be nice, you know?” Hyunjin was definitely embarrassed.

“Oh, so you don’t think I’m good at writing lyrics, then?” Jisung couldn’t stop himself from teasing the older, the sight of a flustered Hyunjin –flustered _because of him_ –, too rare to pass up.

“No! That’s not what I meant, I–“

Jisung started laughing again, grabbing his stomach.

“Stop messing with me! I guess that’s what I get for trying to be nice to you,” Hyunjin mumbled, exasperated.

And despite his words, Jisung knew that the older wasn’t really mad at him at all. Having heard him actually being angry in numerous occasions before, Hyunjin’s voice was anything but; it sounded nice, sweet, Jisung would even go as far as to say _almost_ fond.

“Thank you,” Hyunjin suddenly said.

“For teasing you?”

“No, you idiot, for…” The older looked away, the blush on his cheeks becoming more prominent. “For not kicking me out the moment I opened my mouth. I was honestly so sure that you were just going to cuss me out or something.”

Well, yeah. Jisung was surprised as well, that was for sure. But Hyunjin didn’t need to know that.

“No, thank _you_ for putting yourself out there. It would’ve been completely justified if you just chose to walk away,” the rapper murmured, voice almost a whisper.

The feelings inside of him were a mess; he was confused, happy, conflicted, embarrassed… He was feeling a lot of things at the same time. On top of that, the soft smile on Hyunjin’s face that had appeared upon hearing his words was making that familiar ticklish feeling in his gut flare up. But, somehow, it didn’t bother him nearly as much as it usually did.

“I guess this is a truce, then?” Hyunjin murmured back, hands brushing his overgrown hair away from his face.

It felt so natural to open his mouth and say, “yeah, I think I can work with that.”

++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! I neeeeed your feedback on this one. I just feel like it's sooo boring... There was a lot of dialogue and monologues and blah blah blah but I felt like most of the things discussed in this chapter were crucial for the story and for understanding the characters. Does it make any sense to you guys?
> 
> Anyways, thank you so much for reading and leaving kudos/lovely comments. I'll be eternally grateful to you guys. 
> 
> See you soon!!


	4. Fruity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeeeello everyone!
> 
> I'm back again with another chapter and I know this one is shorter than my last updates... But I really wanted to leave it in that particular point of the story! 
> 
> Enjoy :)
> 
> (P.S.: I may have to come back and correct some grammatical mistakes as I don't have the strength for it now. Fuck my English hahahahaha)

You see, Jisung was normally quite good at tuning out background noise when he felt as exhausted as he did in that moment, but, somehow, Changbin’s deep and profound breaths coming from his bed right across their shared room seemed to be all he was able to focus on that night.

Sighing, he grabbed the end of his pillow and folded it over the right side of his face, covering his exposed ear with it. Despite the fact that deep exhaustion was clinging to his bones and his eyes stung with fatigue, Jisung could already tell that he was not going to fall asleep any time soon. And he hated himself for it.

Today had been another grueling day spent at the dance studio perfecting their performances for the upcoming MAMA Awards, and Jisung –as well as the others– had put all his best efforts into it, as if they all had too many things to prove. And well, in a sense, they truly did.

Squeezing his eyes shut, he tried hard to dispel the spiral of negative thoughts revolving around awards and nominations attacking his sleep-deprived mind before he got too worked up about it. As Chan had very well said, there was no point in dwelling on things that could no longer be changed; the only thing they could do now was preparing as much as possible for their performances and work harder for next year.

Jisung exhaled a shuddering breath, he had really intended to go to sleep early tonight knowing very well that the next day was going to be packed with outfit-fitting sessions and make-up trials, but he could feel himself giving up on the idea with each passing second he spent staring up at the ceiling of his room.

And as the chronic over-thinker he was, Jisung’s mind started wandering the moment he stopped trying to fall asleep.

It came as no surprise to him when the first thought that popped into his mind was the eventful conversation he had held with Minho almost a week ago. In the end, everything regarding his situation with Hyunjin seemed to be the only thing he could think of as of lately, and, even if he did try to occupy his mind with other stuff, the persistent dreams about him hadn’t really disappeared either, serving as constant reminders of the problem he had still not dealt with.

But in Jisung’s defense, the last week had been simply horrible on them schedule-wise, and he hadn’t been able to do much more apart from trying his best to mitigate the ‘weird tension’ going on between Hyunjin and him, as Minho had so kindly labeled it a week ago. And it had worked, in some ways, as the older had warmed-up to him quite fast after their unfortunate encounter in the bathroom. At the end of the day, both of them had always been good at pretending nothing was wrong between them and ignoring the elephant in the room.

Jisung had promised himself that he was going to change that unhealthy dynamic of theirs and finally address their… _‘issues’_ once and for all, but he really didn’t know how to tackle the situation. Was he supposed to just approach Hyunjin and be like: _‘Hey there, my dear friend! Remember the two times we made out with each other all those years ago and how I high-key started hating you because of it? Well, guess what? I haven’t been able to forget about it and I keep having wet dreams about you now. Have a nice day!’_

He grunted audibly at his own stupidity. He was really at a literal loss at the moment and he hadn’t felt that way regarding Hyunjin for a very long time.

After the Survival Show, things between them had become surprisingly smooth and simple almost too fast, making people around them –the other members and the staff included– plunge into downright confusion countless times whenever they witnessed their easy-going interactions. To be honest, Jisung had caught himself baffled at the way they just seemed to click in so many aspects in numerous occasions; it hadn’t taken them much time to discover that they were actually scaringly similar in many regards. For example, their sense of humor was basically the same and they seemed to feed off of each other’s energy so much, that they would frequently end-up mirroring the other’s moods unconsciously.

Their dynamic was also a sight to behold as they would be passionately bickering with each other one second –messing around and annoying the other good-naturedly–, to suddenly getting all over each other and becoming a cuddly mess the very next. Honestly, at some point in their friendship Jisung had just stopped trying to understand their relationship and had resorted to simply enjoying Hyunjin’s overall rich and explosive personality.

It had really been long since he last worried about how to behave around the taller boy. But, now… it just seemed impossible for Jisung to not overthink every single one of their interactions and inspect every single word they exchanged. It was easy to see where the ‘weird tension’ between them was coming from.

Brushing his hair back away from his face, Jisung scratched at the lingering itchiness on his scalp caused by the dye the staff noonas had used on him that very same morning. His hair had now been dyed back to a dirty-blond color and he could already feel the damage the bleach had caused by just gliding his fingers through the brazen strands of hair. He sighed, at least he hoped the fans would like it.

Kicking the sheets away from his body, he decided that there was no point in staying in bed if the only thing he was going to achieve was driving himself up the wall. Trying to be as silent as possible, he walked towards the door and scurried out of the room. Jisung wasn’t surprised to see that someone was still awake watching TV in the living room; in the end, almost everyone in their group had the bad habit of going to sleep super late on a regular basis. However, he did get surprised when it turned out to be Seungmin whom he found sitting on the couch watching Netflix.

Jisung couldn’t help but hesitate slightly before making his presence known to the brunet. Ever since Minho had told him that Seungmin was aware of everything going on between them, he hadn’t been able to suppress the faint awkward feeling spreading in his gut around the vocal, and Jisung was well aware that it was just plainly stupid of him to feel that way. As in Minho’s case, Seungmin had known all along and their friendship had never changed because of it; in reality, Jisung liked to think that, despite their obvious contrasting personalities, they had actually become very close over the years.

So, after shaking his head to get rid of stupid thoughts, he jumped on top of his friend, causing the vocal to release a surprised _oof_ at the sudden weight crushing his stomach. “J-Jisung… get off!” He hissed, pushing the smaller boy off of him with practiced ease. At some point, you just needed to learn how to dodge physical affection if you wanted to survive in this group.

Jisung didn’t let the other’s underwhelming reaction to his act of love deter him, so he plastered himself to Seungmin’s side, hugging his left arm to his chest in a tight embrace. “Haven’t you missed me, Seungminnie?”

Seungmin rolled his eyes at him, trying unsuccessfully to detach Jisung from his side. “I see you 24/7, I think my Han Jisung’s daily quota is thoroughly fulfilled, thank you very much.”

The rapper snorted at Seungmin’s words but made the executive decision to lay down on the sofa and stop suffocating the boy. He made sure to keep his sockless feet on the other’s lap, though. At this, Seungmin pinched his ankle lightly but didn’t attempt to push his feet away.

“Why are you still awake? You’re not part of the fucked-up-sleeping-schedule squad,” Jisung murmured, grabbing a pillow from the floor and hugging it against his chest. He turned his head to the side to take a quick glance at what was on TV. It was a foreign cooking show.

“I’m waiting for Hyunjin,” the boy replied, eyes glued to the TV screen. Jisung was glad for it as he felt himself grimace slightly at the blond’s name. Why did it seem like everything had to revolve around Hyunjin lately?

 _Maybe you’re just paying extra attention to him._ A voice that sounded too much like Minho’s piped up inside his head.

“He should be back soon, actually.”

Jisung checked the time on his phone: almost 2:00 a.m. And, not for the first time in the past week, he felt worry clasping at his heart at the thought of Hyunjin working so hard for so many hours in a row.

The older had left their dorm even before Jisung had woken up, on his way to practice his special part in their shared Kingdom stage with The Boyz and Ateez; afterwards, he had gone straight to his usual schedule at _Show! Music Core_ , having lunch in the car after he had finished –he did send a selfie to their group chat– and, straight away, Hyunjin had then left to the photoshoot they had had with Felix for _DAZED_ magazine. They both had missed their afternoon practice because of it and that meant that they would have to ultimately work extra hard tomorrow in order to catch up with the rest. And if all that wasn’t enough, Hyunjin had still dragged himself to yet another schedule for the day, having to practice his special stage with Shotaro, Juyeon and Moobin for _Gayo Daejun_ ; today after dinner had been the only day the four idols were free for it.

Jisung could still remember how mad Chan had been about it a couple of days ago when they had been given their schedule for the week. The leader had argued at length with their management team for them to shift some of the activities to another day, but it had basically been impossible to make it work with their already packed schedule. The only thing the older had achieved was having the next morning free for all of them so Hyunjin could at least rest a bit longer. Considering all things, Jisung deemed it a big victory already.

“Jisung?” The brunet tapped at his leg twice, snapping Jisung out of his train of thoughts. “Are you okay? You totally spazzed out.”

“Yeah, sorry,” the rapper smiled at him feebly. “I guess I have a lot of things in my mind.”

Seungmin kept his eyes trained on him a tad too long, silent, and Jisung ended up averting his gaze with an uncomfortable feeling in his gut. The vocal sighed out loud and patted his leg lightly. “Well, you’ve been arranging songs here and there and writing raps for our special performances non-stop, so having a lot in your head seems like an understatement.”

Jisung hummed as a response. He wasn’t particularly stressed out because of that; yeah, sure, they’d been very busy with all of it, but it was not what had been ultimately keeping him awake at night.

They stayed silent for a while afterwards watching TV and, in the meantime, Jisung caught Seungmin yawning and nodding off a couple of times next to him. “Go to sleep, Minnie. I’ll wait for Hyunjin instead,” he finally said to the sleepy boy.

Seungmin frowned at him. “It’s okay, I’m sure he’ll be back soon.”

“You’re literally falling asleep on me. Really, go to bed, I’ll take care of him.”

At his words, Seungmin’s expression shifted, his eyes drilling into Jisung’s face once again and making the rapper even more uncomfortable with his heavy gaze. But, this time, Jisung didn’t look away, holding his gaze steadily.

“Okay,” the younger finally relented, pushing Jisung’s feet off his lap. “But, you know how he gets when he’s particularly tired. Don’t be a dick with him.”

 _Ouch._ That hurt. 

At least Jisung was no longer in doubt as to whether Hyunjin had explained the whole bathroom incident to the brunet. Well, maybe he hadn't even needed to and the younger had basically noticed the tension floating between them on his own.

“I won’t,” Jisung promised, hugging the pillow closer to his chest.

Seungmin stood up after that and flicked him on the forehead –his especial way of letting him know that he meant well with his words–, turning around afterwards and walking towards his room in silence. 

Once he heard the sound of the door closing, Jisung turned off the television and looked up at the ceiling again, nerves suddenly filling his stomach at the prospect of being alone with Hyunjin. He'd avoided him as much as possible ever since he'd started having those weird dreams about him, so he tried his best to distract himself by counting the ceiling tiles.

He hadn't managed to finish counting them all when the front door of his dorm opened with a loud creak, revealing a sweaty, exhausted-looking Hyunjin behind it. The taller boy slipped off his shoes with difficulty, eyes squinting in the darkness of the living room.

With staggering steps, he began to cross the living room, and Jisung was sure the blond wouldn't even have noticed him if the rapper hadn't suddenly spoken up. "Look, my favorite ghost has finally come home."

Hyunjin squeaked loudly, turning around at the direction of his voice and bringing a hand to his chest. “What the fuck, Han Jisung. Do you want to kill me or something?” He seethed in a low voice, completely aware of the silence reigning in the dorm.

The rapper couldn’t stop the giggles escaping his mouth. “Sorry. You just look half-dead on your feet.”

Hyunjin sighed loudly, his shoulders weighing down with exhaustion. “ _I am_ half-dead. I don’t think I’m even going to take my clothes off before I collapse on the bed.”

Jisung stood up at his words. “Oh yes, you are. I’m not letting you fall asleep all sweaty and grimy. Not under my watch.”

It was kind of a Hyunjin thing, really; if the boy crossed a certain line regarding his levels of fatigue, his body would go into auto-pilot mode, which basically meant that he was able to fall asleep whenever and however. On one occasion, they had even found him asleep on the floor of their dance studio –sweaty clothes and all– after he had stayed behind practicing for a SKZ-player choreography.

Hyunjin rolled his eyes at him. “I don’t think I can’t move a single finger, Jisung. Just let me go to bed, please,” his voice sounded small, tired, and the rapper couldn’t resist the urge to walk closer to the blond, helping him remove the padded jacket he still had on.

“I’ll help you. C’mon, let’s get you showered and clean.” Hyunjin looked like he wanted to protest, but he eventually allowed Jisung to tug him towards their big bathroom in silence.

Under the sharp fluorescent lights of the room, the rapper could clearly see the extent of Hyunjin’s exhaustion; despite of the heavy make-up slathered on his face, dark, deep circles were still prominently visible under his puffy eyes. His eyes were half-lidded and his lips chapped. Somehow, even his usually perfect-looking skin looked somewhat dull through the thick layers of concealer. Nevertheless, Jisung still wondered why they always insisted on putting so much make-up on Hyunjin, there was no need to do so with such beautiful features to begin with.

“I think it’s better if you shower first, you look like you could keel over right now.” Jisung stated, shepherding the taller boy towards the shower.

Hyunjin muttered something along the lines of "I could, I definitely could", but started to strip off his clothes all the same, knowing that there was no point in trying to argue with Jisung about it. The rapper ended up having to help him take off his hoodie when it got stuck on his head.

With each piece of clothing falling to the floor, Jisung felt an increasingly unsettling sensation growing stronger in the pit of his belly. And he hated it, he hated it with a burning passion.

It was definitely not the first time the rapper was seeing Hyunjin naked. In the end, a relatively small apartment packed with 8 boys 24/7 left little to no room for privacy. Nevertheless, when Hyunjin started fiddling with the strings of his sweatpants –toned torso now fully on display–, Jisung turned around hastily, unable to keep on watching him undress with that growing feeling burning in his stomach.

He felt like shit at not being able to control himself around the other, not even when Hyunjin was downright exhausted and needed his help.

“Where are you going?” Hyunjin asked him when Jisung opened the bathroom door. “Weren’t you going to help me?”

He sounded whiny, petulant, like a kid in a bad mood because his bed-time was long overdue. But to Jisung’s twisted mind, his words sounded appealing somehow. The hatred towards himself only seemed to intensify with each passing second.

“I’m just going to grab your PJs. I’ll be back in five seconds,” the rapper reassured him.

With a pout on his plump lips, Hyunjin nodded at him, turning his eyes back at his sweatpants to continue fighting with the stubborn knot that kept his pants secured around his hips. Jisung stared at the movements of his uncoordinated fingers for a tad too long, watching him struggle, before getting frustrated and crossing the bathroom towards him once again.

With deft fingers, he tried to untangle the knot himself, but it was tighter than he had first thought. Clicking his tongue, he stepped closer into Hyunjin’s space, trying to get a better look at the tangled drawstrings. How the hell had he managed to tie them so tightly? It took him a couple more minutes, fingers tugging here and there, before he was finally able to pull the knot apart, smiling proudly to himself.

“Yes! Dumb knot 0, Jisung 1,” he said in a stupidly cheery voice, finally looking up at Hyunjin.

The other had remained completely silent throughout the whole ordeal, and Jisung suddenly understood why. Distracted by the stupid knotted strings of the blond’s sweatpants, he had basically plastered himself to him, pushing Hyunjin against the bathroom counter. On top of that, the taller’s toned stomach was now mere centimeters away from Jisung’s face, his body slightly bent over Hyunjin’s. This close, he could smell the older’s familiar scent, tinged with the lingering scent of sweat left behind from his last dance practice.

But, worst of it all, was the sharp look in his half-lidded eyes.

Hyunjin’s gaze was intense, his dark-chocolate irises seemingly engulfed by his dilated pupils, a couple of disheveled blond strands of hair framing his beautiful face. Jisung had seen that look before, almost every night for the past month. He had seen it in his dreams, where Hyunjin always devoured him with his predatory eyes, looking at him like a prey. He felt himself give a full body shudder.

“I–,” the words caught in his throat, suddenly parched as if he had spent the whole day in the middle of the desert. “I– I’m going to get you some clothes,” he whispered, voice barely audible to himself.

Almost immediately, he forced his stunned legs to take a step back, then another, and then he was turning around hurriedly, walking out of the bathroom without waiting for Hyunjin’s response.

The moment the door closed against his back, Jisung sagged against it, a hand coming up to rest on top of his chest. His heart was beating so fast against his ribcage that he felt dizzy in the head, as if he had just run a full-on marathon.

What the fuck had all of that been? The look in Hyunjin’s eyes… He shook his head, trying to get rid of stupid comparisons between the Hyunjin in his dreams and the real one. _You’re definitely projecting._

Taking a deep breath, he walked towards the wardrobe they kept in a separate room in their dorm. Their managers had insisted on them leaving some clothes in there specifically because it would be useful in situations like the one Jisung was currently in. Like this, he wouldn’t need to go to Hyunjin’s room and risk waking up the others.

His hands were shaking badly while rummaging around in search of fitting clothes for Hyunjin, but he managed to extract a pair of clean sweatpants and a lousy T-shirt. Jisung was sure he had seen it on Chan before, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care at all in that moment; he had way more pressing issues to worry about, like a very naked Hyunjin currently taking a shower.

Jisung gulped, steeling himself. He knew it would be better for both his weak heart and mental health to just stay outside and wait until Hyunjin was done, but he also knew that it would only worsen the already tense atmosphere between them. They had never been prude about nudity in their group, always in a hurry to get ready in the mornings, so it was the most normal thing for them to basically barge in and do whatever they needed even if someone was taking a shower. Besides, Hyunjin had no clean clothes to put on.

With a shuddering breath, he finally pushed himself to open the bathroom door, making sure to keep his eyes away from the shower area in general. The bathroom was full of steam, the mirror completely fogged up and Jisung felt hot the very moment he stepped in. He still couldn’t understand how Hyunjin was capable of taking such scorching hot showers and not start boiling in the process.

Leaving the folded clothes on top of the toilet seat next to the shower –making sure to keep his eyes trained to the floor–, he then hopped on top of the bathroom counter, messing around with his phone and trying to ignore the fact that Hyunjin was just a couple of steps away taking a _fucking shower_.

Easier said than done.

By the time Hyunjin had finally finished showering, Jisung’s every muscle was tense as a bow from trying to focus on the screen of his phone too hard. The rapper didn’t look up, not even when Hyunjin started talking to him while getting dressed.

“Can I go to sleep now?” He slurred his words, his voice sounding once again small and petulant in the empty bathroom.

Jisung didn’t cave in. He knew Hyunjin was trying to use his charms on him. “We have to dry your hair and remove your make-up. Do you want to have all the noonas on your ass tomorrow because of it?”

Hyunjin groaned as he plopped down on the toilet seat. “I don’t care.”

The rapper smiled affectionately at the other's petulance, his eyes still glued to his Instagram feed but registering none of it. How could he be so dangerous one moment and act so cute the very next?

They stayed silent a little bit longer while the taller finished drying his dripping long hair with a towel, but it didn’t take much more time for Hyunjin to speak up again, his voice serious all of a sudden. “Jisung, I’m dressed now. You can stop staring at your phone.”

Jisung’s thumb stopped scrolling down aimlessly. Of course, the blond had noticed how hard he’d tried not to catch an accidental glimpse of him. He hadn’t really been subtle about it, but he had at least hoped that Hyunjin would be too tired to pay attention to his fidgetiness. _Can you be any more obvious, Han Jisung?_

Indeed, when he finally dragged his eyes up to focus on the boy sprawled on the toilet seat, Hyunjin was fully clothed. Jisung made sure to stifle the automatic disappointment he felt in his gut at the sight.

Without uttering a word, he jumped off the counter and opened the drawer next to him, taking the only brush and the bottle of hair-detangler spray kept inside. No one else apart from Hyunjin needed nor used them for obvious reasons. Silently, he moved behind the blond and made sure to spray a good amount of the purple product on his hair the way he had seen Hyunjin do it to himself countless times before. He knew his long hair tangled easily due to the constant bleaching it was subjected to, so Hyunjin always made sure to stock up on hair-detangler.

“Tilt your head back, Jinnie.” For some unbeknownst reason, he whispered his words, not wanting to disturb the reigning quietness in the room.

The older complied, letting out a soft breath when Jisung started brushing his hair in careful motions, finding no resistance at all thanks to the product he’d used on it. It smelled sweet, something between strawberry and coconut.

They stayed in complete silence, Jisung adjusting Hyunjin’s head slightly from time to time to make sure all his hair was brushed to complete smoothness. If the rapper kept going for a couple of minutes more than the necessary after he’d already combed it all, Hyunjin didn’t seem to mind. Jisung could literally see the tension he’d accumulated throughout the day leaving his shoulders with each stroke. He filed the knowledge that Hyunjin enjoyed having his hair brushed for future reference.

By the time Jisung finally put the brush down on the counter, Hyunjin was blinking repeatedly, fighting with himself to keep his eyes open. So, the rapper hurried up to turn on the blow-dryer at the lowest setting –mindful of the rest of his members sleeping in the very next room– and worked fast on drying Hyunjin’s hair. Once again, he copied the technique he’d seen the noonas or Hyunjin himself follow in order to prevent his hair from getting tangled all over again.

As soon as he had turned off the blow-dryer, Hyunjin murmured, “you’re surprisingly good at this. Maybe you should’ve been a hairdresser.”

Jisung laughed, “Maybe.”

Hyunjin was about to stand up when Jisung stopped him once again, pushing him down softly with a light hand on his shoulder. “We’re almost done, I promise.”

Hyunjin whined at the back of his throat but stayed still when the rapper moved around to face him again, touching his chin lightly to tilt his face upwards. “Don’t move,” Jisung whispered close to him. He made sure to apply little to no pressure when he started wiping Hyunjin’s face with a cotton pad soaked in make-up remover solution.

If Hyunjin was incredibly beautiful under normal circumstances, up close he was downright stunning. A bare-faced Hyunjin was all soft angles, and Jisung bit his lower lip at the intense affection that began to fill all his senses at the sight. One could believe you would end up becoming immune to Hyunjin’s breathtaking appearance after living with him for years, but it only seemed to affect him more and more with each passing day. Under Hyunjin’s dark and half-lidded eyes trained on his face, Jisung had to steel himself to prevent his hand from shaking too much.

Once he had finished with the older boy's eyes, Jisung reached down to carefully rub his plump lips with gentle movements. Despite having showered, there were still traces of reddish tint clinging to his lips from the photo shoot. The rapper was enraptured by his fleshy lips; objectively speaking, Hyunjin had one of the most perfect lips Jisung had ever seen, and that was saying a lot considering he was constantly surrounded by beautiful people because of his job.

He startled slightly when Hyunjin's fingers suddenly touched his lower lip, pushing down slightly to dislodge it from his teeth. "What are you thinking about?" he whispered.

This close to him, Hyunjin’s breath fanned over the rapper’s face in soft puffs. Jisung looked away from the blond’s lips, forcing himself to drag his eyes up to look into his eyes.

He was thinking many things; he was thinking that Hyunjin had to be one of the most beautiful beings Jisung had ever laid eyes on, that by just looking at him in that moment –bare-faced, sleepy and soft– he had the biggest urge to cuddle him to his chest and never let go, that the pressure he felt in his chest was anything but platonic. But he couldn’t tell him any of those things.

“That I want Felix to bake a brownie tomorrow.”

Hyunjin laughed at his words, eyes crinkling up like crescent moons. “Me too, but you’re lying.”

“You caught me. I’m actually worried about the intro rap for our performance in Gayo Daejun.”

Hyunjin shook his head. “This is not your worried-about-lyrics face.”

Jisung smiled slightly at him. “Okay, Edward Cullen, what am I thinking about, then?”

Hyunjin looked him straight in the eye, his gaze intense once again like it had been a moment ago when Jisung had helped him to get rid of his sweatpants. “You’re thinking about kissing me.”

Jisung dropped the cotton pad.

For an instant, his mind went completely blank, all thoughts screeching to a halt. But the moment his brain finally processed Hyunjin’s words, he flinched back violently, as if someone had physically pushed him away from the blond.

Jisung opened and closed his mouth repeatedly, fumbling. He should say no, tell Hyunjin that he was wrong, that he was imagining things out of exhaustion. But the words seemed to stick to his tongue, clogging his throat and rendering him completely speechless.

At his lack of words, Hyunjin simply reached out towards him, pulling Jisung closer to him by the wrist. His legs were now spread open, encasing Jisung's body between them. In this position –with Hyunjin seated below him and the rapper standing in front of his body, close–, Jisung towered over him, having to tilt his chin down slightly to look into the sparkling eyes that stared up at him unblinkingly.

“It’s okay, Jisung.”

It was barely a whisper, a breath of air muttered so low that Jisung thought that he could be imagining it. But Hyunjin’s right hand was suddenly trailing up his arm to rest on his nape, pulling him down closer to his face, and after that the only thing the rapper could focus on was the fact that the taller boy’s lips felt even better than he remembered pressed against his.

It was a soft kiss, lazy, slow-paced, as if they had all the time in the world to explore each other’s mouths. Hyunjin tasted sweet. He tasted like the fruity candies he had recently developed a slight addiction to. And his movements were languid, unhurried, keeping Jisung close to him with a firm hand clasped around the back of his neck. It felt good, as if all the charged tension that had been floating between them for the past month was finally evaporating with every brush of their lips. Jisung couldn't resist running his fingers through Hyunjin's long hair, tugging gently, as he had wanted to do before while brushing it.

He felt intoxicated. He felt like he never wanted to stop kissing the wonderful boy in front of him ever again. It felt liberating.

But, unfortunately, they were still human and they still needed oxygen to live.

Their heavy panting contrasted sharply with the silence of the room as they parted, their breaths mingling with each other when Jisung rested his forehead against Hyunjin’s. “Hyunjin, I–”

The blond gave him a light squeeze with the hand still wrapped around his wrist. “Let’s talk about it tomorrow. I want to cuddle with you now, I’ve missed you.”

And Jisung couldn’t say no to that.

They walked silently to Jisung’s room hand in hand, the older man getting into bed first and wasting no time in wrapping himself around the rapper's smaller frame once Jisung had settled in as well. Without a word, Jisung placed his hand on Hyunjin's head resting on his chest, running his fingers through his golden strands.

With Hyunjin in his arms, his solid weight half on top of him and the fruity scent of his hair surrounding him, Jisung felt more at ease than he could ever remember feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's it. How was it guys? I tried my best to make it feel as natural as possible, but I'm still not happy with it (will I ever be happy with my writing? T.T).
> 
> I've had this whole scene of Jisung brushing Hyunjin's hair in my head ever since I started stanning SKZ, and I'm so happy I was finally able to write it!!!! I don't know if I'd like to be in Hyunjin's or Jisung's position more, to be honest ahahhaha.
> 
> Anyway, as always, let me know your thoughts on this chapter if you want! Reading your comments and seeing your kudos really encourages me so much guys! Thank you <3
> 
> See you guys soon~


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